A wash of relief spread from the crown of my head and covered me like hot fudge melting down a cold scoop as I recalled the acceptance I felt as I talked about girls who feel like boys and boys who felt like girls. The supportive nods from teachers and the thoughtful questions produced by curious minds. But tell me again how we ended up laying down?

Ding! Ding! My head snapped around while no one seemed to notice. That’s a peculiar (and particularly delicate) school bell in my opinion. Ding! Ding! Maybe if I close my eyes I can determine where it’s coming from?? Ding! Ding!

Darkness registered first, and the crushing silence. Ding! Ding! Without thinking I reached out to find my bedside table only to find my pulsing iPhone indicating someone was texting me. Huh?! I’m in my room. It’s morning. And it was all a dream.

The glowing message told me I was uncharacteristically late so I threw off my fluffy comforter and scrambled to turn on the shower. Shoving the dripping toothbrush into my mouth I glanced at my weary face, sheet marks gracing the edges like I’d been scratched by cats all night. It was a dream. I can’t believe it still.

My first inclination was to tell myself, “It was too good to be true,” meaning the embrace I felt by the group, but that’s not exactly the truth. It is real. That dream signaled what I already know to be true and today I’m going to accept it.

Everything is as it should be. No matter what, we are safe. We are loved. We are accepted. That feeling didn’t come from the nods. It didn’t come from the school or the children. It didn’t come from anyone else. It came from me, and I know it as my own. No one takes it from me, and now I’m sure I’m not giving it away anymore. It’s mine, whenever and wherever I need it.

How many times did I hear this when I was little? After a while I didn’t need it whispered into my ear anymore, I embodied it. I knew there were things I was never expected to say, at home or out in public, like they never happened. Off limits for good, like a dangerous abandoned mine.

It made for an interesting supper time as my family sat around chatting. Never characterized as quiet people by any stretch of the imagination, my parent’s hushed tone signaled an off-subject topic that immediately sank into the family vault. Adoptions, affairs, sickness, rage, runaways, sexuality, abuse, alcoholics, you name it. They called them Family Secrets.

Now as a parent with a lot to explain I finally understand what they were trying to accomplish, walk a very fine line between what’s public and what’s private behind and outside closed doors. What do you share with others? What things do you keep to yourself?

Last week Hope came home in a panic. Not thinking of the consequences (and probably just wanting to make conversation) her brother commented to some friends that Hope named herself. Since she’s stealth at school this information is strictly confidential, and Will knows it. Although she profusely denied the claim to her friends, she retained a look of betrayal several hours later as we sat at the dinner table to discuss.

Looking more like a hungover frat boy than a well-intentioned 5-year-old, Will sat with his head in his hands as he kept saying, “I don’t know why I said it.” I believed him, and yet the question of boundaries was sitting before us like the holiday meal scheduled less than 48 hours away.

“What if Hope talked to your friends about the fact that you sleep with your Lovey at night?” he popped upright looking remarkably alert, and shocked, “Would that make you feel good? Would that be something you’d like your family to share with your classmates?” His answer was clear. And so we talked about what privacy means and why it’s important to us. No threats of retribution. No code of silence like when I was young. Just logic infused with love.

That night I lay in bed thinking of how parenting feels like one long essay question. Every so often there’s a pop quiz that tests your skills. What have you mastered? What needs improvement? It challenges me to use my voice as an individual and a parent instead of mindlessly falling back on the way I was raised.

My children are encouraged to speak their mind and stand in their truth. Most of the time it works out for the best, and other days it becomes crystal clear that we are still learning our boundaries and finding our way. I’m grateful for this. Hope learned how to handle feeling outed. Will learned that his words have consequences, and can hurt people. I learned that I am not so afraid of secrets.

PRESS RELEASE

NEW YORK, November 16, 2011 - The Gay, Lesbian & Straight Education Network (GLSEN) and the National Center for Transgender Equality (NCTE) today jointly announced the launch of their groundbreaking Model District Policy for Transgender and Gender Nonconforming Students. The first-ever national policy resource co-authored by GLSEN and NCTE offers solutions for school districts to incorporate into existing policies and procedures that create safer and respectful school environments for all students regardless of their gender identity or gender expression.

Data from GLSEN’s Harsh Realities: The Experiences of Transgender Youth in Our Nation’s Schools revealed that two-thirds of transgender students felt unsafe in school because of their sexual orientation (69%) and how they expressed their gender (65%). The study also found that transgender students who experienced high levels of harassment had significantly lower GPAs than those who experienced lower levels of harassment (verbal harassment based on sexual orientation: 2.2. vs. 3.0, gender expression: 2.3 vs. 2.8, gender: 2.2 vs. 2.7).

“Educators work every day to offer all of their students a safe and respectful school atmosphere that ensures their healthy development and growth, but transgender and gender nonconforming students frequently remain unsupported and ultimately left behind in the school system,” said GLSEN Executive Director Eliza Byard. “This model policy was developed out of a growing need for addressing issues related to gender identity and gender expression within a school setting. Research has shown that a comprehensive district policy is a tangible solution for improving the school experience for transgender and gender nonconforming students.”

“Transgender youth are everywhere, and schools are beginning to understand that providing for their safe and fair treatment is not a burden, but a core part of the educational mission. Schools are increasingly attuned to providing a safe and supportive environment for a diverse school community, and gender diversity has to be part of that picture. This groundbreaking model policy is here to help schools find the right solutions to support and educate all students.”

The guide contains model language that can be used in drafting district policy and is designed to be flexible for school districts to comply with their own specific needs and respective state laws and policies. Examples and policy recommendations are included in the resource that address issues commonly faced in school by transgender and gender nonconforming students.

Key issues covered in the model policy include:

Polices that address bullying, harassment and discrimination
Privacy and confidentiality
Documentation (e.g., school records)
Names and pronouns
Dress codes
Training and professional development

“There is a real interest and hunger among school administrators and teachers to create a welcoming climate for transgender youth,” said Keisling. Schools across the country have already taken leadership on protecting transgender students, and this resource builds on their experiences to assist other schools that are looking for answers for how to change school policies that affect transgender people.”

In addition to the Model District Policy on Transgender and Gender Nonconforming Students, GLSEN has developed a suite of policy tools that support anti-bullying measures for local school districts and the passage of safe schools laws and policies on the state and federal level. GLSEN also partners with local, state and national coalitions to ensure that the best and most inclusive safe schools policies are considered, passed and implemented.

“The model district policy and other resources that we regularly produce are designed with the mindset that a quality K-12 education is a fundamental right for all students,” said Byard. “GLSEN will continue to lend its expertise, perspective and support for ensuring this right is extended to every student in school regardless of their gender identity/expression or sexual orientation.”

About GLSEN 
GLSEN, the Gay, Lesbian & Straight Education Network, is the leading national education organization focused on ensuring safe schools for all students. Established in 1990, GLSEN envisions a world in which every child learns to respect and accept all people, regardless of sexual orientation or gender identity/expression. GLSEN seeks to develop school climates where difference is valued for the positive contribution it makes to creating a more vibrant and diverse community. For information on GLSEN’s research, educational resources, public policy advocacy, student organizing programs and educator training initiatives, visit www.glsen.org.

About NCTE
The National Center for Transgender Equality is a national social justice organization devoted to ending discrimination and violence against transgender people through education and advocacy on national issues of importance to transgender people. By empowering transgender people and our allies to educate and influence policymakers and others, NCTE facilitates a strong and clear voice for transgender equality in our nation’s capital and around the country. For more information about NCTE and its work, please visit www.transequality.org.

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Finally! A show that reflects the reality of a transgender child’s experience and doesn’t go over the edge with their questions and comments. It will be the first tv show depicting a gender diverse child that I will actually show my daughter. Big.

Jazz is an eloquent and courageous little girl, and I believe her message can actually reach people’s hearts, first with her groundbreaking 20/20 Special and now the new documentary. Hopefully this will inspire others to share their truths, and feel even more comfortable in their own skin.

When friends asked me to an event last November I couldn’t even vocalize what torment the thought of attending brought me. I felt like every name spoken could be my child, and I simply could not endure that thought. Not with others.

Ever since my father’s sudden and tragic death in 1981, I kept Loss under lock and key like a prisoner fearing it’s strength would consume me. There was a persistent, yet completely hidden darkness in me. Something I couldn’t shake after standing in the doorway watching him die. I never wanted to name it, or own it, like the various self-help books I consumed like snacks instructed me. I couldn’t possibly go near the dungeon where I held Loss in solitary confinement so why go searching for opportunities to allow it’s escape?

Only until my Reiki Master and I started to peel away the layers of understanding did I accept that these are my greatest life lessons, my biggest obstacles to growth, and I had to decide whether I would turn my back yet again or stand in the face of fear with arms wide open. I was done running, I knew it, so I let go.

I let go of the tape forever running in my head that said that everything and everyone will leave me. I let go of my father’s untimely passing. I let go of the abuse that prevented me from feeling. I let go of my programmed personal narrative telling me I could never be enough. I let go of pain, and said my goodbyes. And with all that newfound space I focused on one simple thing – love. Love for me, for you, for all of us.

Love. It’s my mantra. It’s my compass. It’s my fuel. It’s the reason I agreed to run a booth for PFLAG this year for the Transgender Day of Remembrance because I will no longer hide locked behind closed doors. I will go and celebrate every life lived. I’ll honor families and friends who supported their loved ones quest toward truth. I will be present, with my heart and arms open wide.

Before I knew it Will was consoling me as I choked back reluctant sobs. Just then Hope walked into the kitchen and stopped abruptly when she saw that I was crying.

“Why are you crying Mom?” she asked standing uncharacteristically still.

“I just saw a clip about Jason McElwain, a young student with autism,” I shared, “and I’m so happy for him.” I rambled a bit about how the student brought the players water and towels emphasizing the boy had never played with the team before this game, but that he was really passionate about the game. Without saying a word, Will kept his hand on my back listening intently to what I was saying like a wise old man.

“Mom, what’s autism?” Hope chimed in. Once she said it I realized although I was friends with a brilliant autism activist, I’d never really discussed autism with the kids, and I wasn’t sure I had the exact terminology straight in my head. Nevertheless, I jumped in leading with my heart.

“Kids with autism have brains that are wired in a unique way,” I wasn’t sure I was on the right track, but I continued, “their brain affects the way they experience the world and the way they express themselves.”

“Why couldn’t he play basketball with autism?” her questions although incredibly simple, cut to the complicated core.

“I’m not sure in this case Sweetheart, but sometimes someone with autism might not respond to an organized sport the way the rules of the game allows. I think some people with autism might not like the noise of the stadium or relate to the sequence of the game the same way as the other players. We could research it and figure it out, but that’s just from what little I know. It could be a lot of things. Not everyone can play sports for lots of reasons.”

“The boy with autism has a different brain,” she stated. And then it dawned on me.

“Yes, he does. Lots of people have different brains,” and this made her first look down at her feet, then catch my stare and smile. My daughter has a different brain, too. Her brain is wired as a girl’s brain and it is in conflict with her body. Maybe not the same way as autism, but it’s still a significant hurdle for a little person to deal with and embrace.

After watching the video I was inspired and conflicted. Obviously I was elated that Jason had the chance to play the sport he adores, and that he let his light shine out there scoring 20 points in the last 4 minutes. I loved the way he confirmed to the reporter that he was “hot as a pistol” out there on the court. My heart soared when everyone ran out on the court and cheered for him. That’s a moment everyone will remember. Everyone should have such a victory!

At the same time I felt this twinge when the reporter ended the segment saying, “he (Jason) was used to feeling different… but never this wonderful.” Jason didn’t have to score those points to be a hero. Let’s face it. He is a devoted member of that team, and that is enough right there. Don’t get me wrong, the fact that Jason had this opportunity was divinely right. Perhaps it was the only way for people to properly celebrate him in such a grand way. I guess what I’m trying to say is that he didn’t have to make the baskets, but that was beautiful icing on the cake.

Gender Conversations, a new site dedicated to discussions about gender identity, expression and diversity, was born from the need to have our expanded, global community connect in a more user-friendly way. I love social media and daily digests, but it is all missing a critical search function. I want to type “hormone blockers” into a search engine in one site and hear from parents, clinicians and trans folks and learn from different perspectives. This isn’t possible on most sites I know about right now.

By connecting with GC, members can connect and quickly explore what they’re looking for without sifting through long conversation threads. Similarly they don’t have to get online so often. Put a discussion out there and you can still easily check on it months later to conveniently see what new members have added. Love that. Events are being posted. Groups are being formed. People are talking. It’s all coming together so check it out and let me know what you think.

Click here for an invite and feel free to share with those people who have a story to share. And so the party begins!

As the flutter of little ballerinas swarmed the waiting area a few days ago my daughter briskly shoved a note in my hand then floated back to her friends who are always more focused on their arabesque or plie than their parents asking for them to put on their street shoes and skedaddle. The day seemed like any other. Don’t forget the case for her shoes. Did we bring a jacket? The usual.

Once we got home the kids hopped on their bikes and scurried out of the garage, eager to play with their friends in our close little neighborhood. My social butterflies, I love it. It wasn’t until I looked down at the reminder from the ballet studio that I realized that our typical day going to ballet would most likely be our last of its kind. Things were about to come to a screeching halt.

“No skirts allowed” leapt off the page and slapped me across the face. How would this ever work for us? My daughter is absolutely glued to that sheer ballet skirt for obvious reasons. My mind went full throttle for a moment imagining her ostracized from her beloved group either by taking off or leaving on the skirt. Imagining her pain when she learns that she would no longer enjoy the class as effortlessly as we have in the past. Imagining the confrontation I must have with the studio who knows nothing about my daughter’s gender diversity. The thoughts kept popping up like unwanted ads on your favorite website and then I simply took a deep breath aaaaaannnnndddd I slowed myself down enough to ask what is happening here?

Mid-way through a session and they choose to come up with a new rule about uniforms now? That seems odd, especially when they’ve allowed kids of all ages to wear pretty much whatever style of ballet outfit. My daughter’s outfit came from the most expensive ballet specialty store in the city so we felt that we were right in line with the expectations of any studio, seeing as though the folks at the Joffrey shopped there as well. Why the big change all of a sudden?

Immediately my mind zoned in on one particular mom who has a daughter in Hope’s ballet class. I think she’s aware of my daughter living stealth. I can’t be sure, but her actions speak volumes. One day we were having play dates (even though the kids went to separate schools after Kindergarten ended) and being very friendly chatting while the kids were in class and the next week she could not bring herself to look at me. She abruptly shunned my greetings and whisked her daughter away from my child as Hope said hello. She seems visibly spooked in my presence and Hope’s dad agreed that this mom went from very warm to freezing cold overnight. This was about five months ago.

One of the moms from Kindergarten class was aware of Hope’s gender identity, and as it seems she probably told people after we left the school. Coincidentally the informant is the mother of the child who tormented and bullied Hope for a solid year and when I complained to the school the mother threatened to out my daughter to whole school. Nice.

Still, when the ballet mom started avoiding us like the plague I didn’t get crazy or pull Hope out of the class. I just observed and remained open for anyone to say anything to me. Then about three weeks ago this mom, huddled together with Hope’s ballet teacher, jumped sky-high covering her mouth when she saw me walk down the back hall. Correct me if I’m wrong, but that’s the international signal for “I was just talking about you!” Their conversation ended as I approached. They both stared at me as if I was carrying several dismembered human heads with me and began to whisper when the restroom door slowly closed behind me. Even then I thought, “If anyone wants to say something to me they are welcome to,” and I went about my merry way like normal.

Then the note. Is it a coincidence that the studio wants to rip all the skirts off little girls when this has never been their policy? Are they suddenly taking “the uniform very seriously? Why? Are we prepping girls for Juilliard here? Not even close. Still, it’s possible, right? Probable, no. So I did a little research about what other ballet teachers and studios expect. All of them agree they want to see the lines of the body so they require sheer skirts if any.

Okay, sheer skirts are completely doable in the ballet world, yet the studio is demanding no skirts whatsoever. Why? As I wait for the owner to return my call my mind wanders… Is this a thoughtless decree to make their studio look more “serious” in the dance community? Is this in response to teachers saying that kids are wearing pretty much any old thing to class and it’s distracting from the work they are doing? Or is this the quick fix so they don’t have to listen to angry, fearful parents complaining about having a transgender child in their midst? If they require all kids to come in a leotard alone (exposing what everyone is so focused on – genitals) gender diverse kids would never feel comfortable and therefore, not come to class.  Problem solved for them.

So what is the reality? Will I ever truly know the answer even if I’m given one?

What I do know is that we aren’t going down without a fight. We’re not going into hiding because of this. At first it will be friendly fact-finding mission, of course. I’ll ask about their policy, see if they will amend their rules to include a sheer skirt for body sensitive children like mine. I’ll go the high road, for sure.

Perhaps they will tell me a reason for the rule that I’ve never thought of. Okay, I’m open to that. Just maybe they’ll confess that this mother complained and they need to “handle” it in some way. In that case I can use the opportunity to educate and hopefully we’ll come to a common ground where all parties are better for it. These kids deserve to go to class just like everyone else. Let’s make that happen.

Whatever happens, an answer or a smokescreen, I will speak my truth, stand up for my child’s right to participate and still feel comfortable in the class and hopefully plant a seed of awareness.

On the flip side, this is another chance for Hope to learn how to handle challenges around her gender diversity that will come up now and again in her life. Clothes, particularly uniforms, kids and even sometimes even parents will be a problem. Life includes some modifications for all of us, and that’s okay. At least she sees her parents protecting her, standing up for what they believe in and working to create change for everyone’s sake.

It’s a life lesson for me, too. At first I slipped into my old reactive pattern of panic, and then I realized what I was doing and changed my mind. This situation is what I make it, what I bring to it. This journey can be about truth or it can be about fear. Only I make that choice.

Will, on the other hand, stood comfortably looking at me stark naked as he was with a face like a question mark. “What??!?” he replied. Apparently he doesn’t channel “nakedness” like Hope and I do. He simply has no issues with it. And really, if we look at it, Will doesn’t have a lot of issues with anything. Quirky as he is, he is the most amiable, adaptable, intuitive, loving and supportive child I’ve every encountered. He is Hope’s biggest fan.

In all my work writing, speaking and advocating for gender diverse kids, I want to underscore the importance of siblings and validate their experiences. All too often siblings willingly step aside and let the occasional (or sometimes continual) drama of their gender diverse sibling’s life take over the family dynamic. Siblings have this beautiful capacity to understand on the most fundamental level and often selflessly act as loving buffers to the outside world. Can a parent get any luckier?

All too often I lay in bed ruminating that I’ve not given Will enough credit. His plate remains full most days. Let’s be honest, for the past three years he’s filled various roles for all of us: bodyguard, professional listener, motivational speaker, enlightened poet, personal assistant, master comedian, loving brother and a dream-come-true son. And he’s six.

Thank you Will. From the bottom of my heart. I may not say it enough but your quiet goodness inspires me every single day.

Months ago Nightline reached out to me and asked for a copy of my book, Be Who You Are. Based on our conversation I felt pretty positive about their interest in educating the public about transgender children without sensationalizing our kids, but I felt the same way about Oprah when I talked to her producers the first 5 times and look how poorly that turned out! It starts out sounding like we can make real progress and then the other proverbial shoe drops.

Let me begin by saying this Nightline episode was clearly not geared toward education or awareness. One could only assume after watching it that Nightline execs got it in their mind that they would do a show on a controversial and somewhat mysterious “hot” topic with the goal of confirming society’s fears and prejudices about said mystery so they didn’t ruffle any feathers, get any hate mail and their advertisers wouldn’t complain. A fluff piece of sorts.

The first thing I noticed was that Cynthia McFadden, the host, seemed disingenuous at best. Her facial expressions and body language screamed uncomfortable and judgmental to me. I didn’t feel any of the heart that Lisa Ling brought to her Our America piece. This had the warmth and sincerity of a forced apology. Absent.

Starting the show with The Princess Boy segment veered away from the topic at hand. The Nightline episode promoted a show about the transgender world, not about gender expressions different from our society’s norms. Big difference. A princess boy identifies as a boy who likes “girl things” i.e. things categorized as “girl” in our culture: dresses, the color pink, princesses, butterflies apparently and so on. Dyson, the princess boy as featured, doesn’t have issues with his body the way he was born. He doesn’t cringe when he is forced to use the bathroom assigned to his birth gender. He isn’t sick inside when people use the pronoun “he”. He doesn’t wake up from nightmares screaming that he thought he woke up with a beard, “looking like Dad”. The truth is that Dyson doesn’t face the serious issues surrounding transgender or gender diverse issues. The reality is that he faces his own issues having what some people refer to as gender variant or gender non-conforming behavior. Give him his own show then. He has a loving family who supports him – fabulous! Any way you look at it his story today is not a transgender story. Period.

When the show finally got back on topic and introduced Jackie, a 10-year-old girl born into a boy’s body, Ms. McFadden stressed that Jackie “wants to become a girl.” Huge red flag. Let’s be honest, if you’ve every spent any time with or really listened to a transgender (or gender diverse, as I like to say because who are we to label a child with an adult term) kid you know right off the bat that the issue isn’t “wanting to become” that hurts the child, the issue is that the child IS (a boy or girl) and is having problems with living in the body (with the accompanying set of rules and limitations) they were given. They don’t usually tell their parents that they WANT TO BE the opposite gender. In my experience they usually say they ARE the opposite gender and they need to live the way they feel. Nightline severely blurred this distinction making it sound like the child has a choice here. Our kids don’t have a choice.

Okay, hate me for saying this, but what is Jackie doing wearing more makeup than I do? I thought they said she was 10 years old and she’s wearing more makeup than her older sister and her mom combined. I can only think that Nightline did this on purpose. Why? Because the show focused so strongly on Jackie putting on lip gloss and wearing padded bras. (Did you catch at the family reunion some footage show Jackie wearing just a normal shirt and some footage show her wearing a different shirt with a padded bra very clearly showing through?)

Nightline stretched their necks to sensationalize the way that Jackie looked. It’s my experience from attending various national conferences and meeting hundreds of kids and families in this community that our kids look like everyone’s kids. They don’t wear makeup until it’s age appropriate. They don’t focus on wearing padded bras until it’s age appropriate. They don’t walk around looking like drag queens (which is what many people tell me they expect when they hear transgender child). It’s my experience that you never know who the trans kids (who have transitioned) are in a crowd. Our transgender/ gender diverse kids are just NORMAL kids.

My only praise goes to Jackie’s family who are genuinely loving and supportive. I thought both parents, and specifically the father (because fathers are often silent in these types of situations) had meaningful messages of hope and love and courage. I applaud them for their honesty and transparency.

After Jackie’s story, Nightline went to hell in a hand basket when they had the audacity to feature a trans identified teen named Vanessa who is a sex worker to get cash for breast implants and facial reconstruction. Hmmm… is that really an (extra)ordinary transgender story? I don’t mean to diminish the impact of trans youth driven to sex work for survival purposes or trans people who struggle trying to find a career during or after transition, but that’s not Vanessa’s story and most importantly Nightline did not show any other trans teen experience so that people realize this is NOT indicative of a typical transgender teen’s experience. Remember the name of the show “(Extra)Ordinary Family: Inside the Transgender World”? What image and association does a teen prostitute conjure for American people?

There are so many positive stories about trans teens throughout the United States, successful trans teens who write books and courageously speak out publicly about their experiences to help others. Forget the story about all the well-adjusted, healthy, fully functioning teens Nightline, focus on something so sensational that people will gasp in disbelief and admit to their friends and family, “I knew it was all about sex for THOSE people!” Confirm the deep-rooted suspicions and fears people have all across the country that prevents any sort of progress and compassion toward trans people in general. This segment alone confirms that Nightline wasn’t trying to educate at all with this show, they were trying to throw a Springer-esque piece together to show they “tackled the subject”, but accomplished the difficult task of increasing ignorance. Plain and simple.

Oh wait, did I think Vanessa, the trans teen prostitute was the low point? I didn’t mention Charles Kane, the man who said out loud during the show that he had sex reassignment surgery as an “impulsive decision” and often dabbled in “curious experimentation”. They focused on his story of unstable exploration so he could caution trans kids and teens. Really? And then Cynthia McFadden chortled, “You were a good-looking female,” while she ogled a picture of Charles in a tiny bathing suit. In the background he uttered, “crazy decisions!” Really? Really is that what you have as someone providing advice Nightline? 

The freak show didn’t stop there. McFadden actually asks about Charles Kane’s reconstructed penis, because that’s really what this whole show led up to – the genitals. When he explains that his penis was reconstructed for him, McFadden spewed, “Not as good as the original!” her eyes squinting before she pounces like a hungry cat asking how he gets an erection. (Definitely cutting edge journalism folks!) A pump located in the testicles? “That’s handy!” McFadden chuckles like the mean third grade girl who kicks a ball directly into a first grader’s nose and smiles as they bleed.

I foamed at the mouth by this point. No amount of chanting or deep breathing could release me from my outrage. Of his time before sex reassignment surgery (from male to female) Charles said he had friends who were transgender and he wanted to “be one of them.” This is not a person who spent years agonizing over gender identity. He is NOT a spokesperson, nor is he an expert. He admitted that he just had surgery on a whim. He said so himself! So who is he to share a cautionary tale with the rest of us or our children? And who at Nightline thought his participation was a good idea? Charles Kane must not have any idea about the kind of pain and torment our kids go through on a daily basis. He hasn’t a clue as to the anguish my child feels when her mind suddenly imagines what the future would look like if hormone blockers didn’t work or were not an option. My child would surely harm herself. Her gender identity is not a passing fancy and her persistent need to transition was not a whim. She suffered for years for it.

My child’s gender identity isn’t about feeling like part of a group or appearing a certain way for others and it isn’t about painting nails, wearing lip gloss or dresses, playing with Barbies and having long hair (she and my son did that for years before she transitioned, and continue today). My daughter’s only care is that she is able to express who she is and be recognized as the person she knows herself to be. The only thing she wants to do is to move through this world genuinely, honestly.

Luckily Kim Petras managed to diffuse the host with grace and boundaries. Despite McFadden’s disparaging questions about Kim’s personal parts and love life, Ms. Petras appeared calm and collected. I admired Kim’s demeanor and her fortitude.

Dozens of emails flew my way after Nightline aired asking me what I thought of the show and I’ll be honest, I couldn’t watch it right away. I had to kiss the little ones good night, take a serious, lengthy deep breath and then watch alone. Despite my disappointment I hold out the hope that trans stories of all kinds will permeate our popular culture through television, books and movies so millions of Americans can move beyond their prejudices and preconceived notions of what transgender means, looks like and how it affects our kids.

Everything happens for a reason. True, Nightline missed an opportunity. They failed to mention all the good things happening in the “Transgender World”, the very title of their show. Trans individuals like Amanda Simpson have made enormous strides lately. Have we forgotten all about that? There ARE stories to admire and celebrate. Those need to be told, too. Nightline even failed on the most basic level, talking with experts like TYFA who help kids and families every day.

Clearly they had their own agenda, but maybe this opens a door for someone else to have the guts to do what Nightline didn’t. Perhaps this episode will encourage someone else out there to spread the truth and reach people who need the message the most. We can only hope.

Click here to tell Nightline how you feel about their portrayal of transgender individuals and their families.