This weekend our play date group for gender variant kids met and while the kids were busy playing and crafting, the parents had a welcome opportunity to talk about what happened in the past month since we saw each other, ask questions and share thoughts. Although I love the fact that the kids have each other, I am filled with a deep sense of gratitude for the support of these fellow parents.

Who else understands this life parenting a trans or gender variant child (and their siblings)? No one. It’s like a deep sigh of relief when our group gets together. They get where I am coming from without judgment and their shared experiences give me so much to think about. This past get together was no exception.

After settling in we talked about a philosophy where some parents do not transition their child at all. Rather they explain to the outside world that their child identifies as the other gender and that’s it. If they were born a boy, they stay living as a boy. The rest of us cocked our head as if we needed more. This philosophy (someone email me the real name so I am not disrespectful) contends that 80% of all (let’s just use) trans girls, meaning affirmed girls who were born in boy bodies, actually grow up to be homosexual males. Now I felt my eyes squinting as if the information could sink in quicker if they narrowed. Huh?

The philosophy is that very early on (ages 3-4 or so) homosexual men are socialized to learn what men in society are looking for- women. So these little boys emulate women because that is the object of desire for men. Once puberty hits and the surge of hormones manifest biological changes to these little boys (who previously identified as female) they start to understand that they, in fact, desire other men. When they identify with a group of males who desire other males, the female persona, if you will, is no longer needed and fades away.

I consider myself an open person, but I think my mouth hung open. What? It wasn’t that I didn’t believe what the parent was explaining, but that it put my whole transgender child philosophy on it’s ear. (I think that’s what any good conversation can do) My mind raced. How do they know which children are trans and which are homosexual? What are the signs? At what ages? How do you protect the well being of your child while allowing their TRUE gender identity and sexual orientation unfold naturally? So many questions!

First, I had to ask about hormone blockers. My daughter is petrified of growing up to be a man or as she puts it “looking like Daddy” with his hairy arms, beard and legs. She used to run to me crying about the fact that she can’t be a man, pleading for help so that she doesn’t have to be. Our answer is/was to give her hormone blockers when the time is right to simply delay puberty until she was ready to make more permanent decisions. This way she would not have the surge of male hormones that will create lasting secondary sexual characteristics such as an Adam’s apple, strong lines in the jaw area, etc. Hypothetically if we were to consider the philosophy discussed at the play date we would not give our child hormones and see what happens naturally.

As I tried to process the information, I thought about the countless children and young adults who commit suicide after puberty hits. They simply cannot endure the changes brought on by adolescence because it feels so wrong to them. Many become clinically depressed, socially withdrawn. This doesn’t sound like they are figuring out they are gay. This sounds like they are being held hostage in the wrong body. So if the statistics are true and there is a possibility of the child actually being gay instead of trans, a parent would want that child to have the chance to develop into the person they naturally are. Does that mean that blockers could stifle their true identity? Or do blockers allow the child to have the time to develop naturally? How do parents know which road to take as the age of puberty looms around the corner? Blockers or no blockers? My mind became fuzzy.

Where is the research? How old is the data and the stats that we are talking about? Now that there are trans kids in society does the same old data still apply? And who is studying these children and creating new data? I am lucky to know a local therapist who is starting to do just that. (I’ll share more as the organization is ready) I just have to wonder with all these important changes taking place across the world, how many studies are being conducted and what are they finding out?

I’ve heard this question (or those like it) so many times that although my head snapped to the side upon impact of the verbal blow, it returned right back to the center without a change in expression. You know, like when the hero tries to right cross the robot dressed in human skin. Pow! The difference for me is that the right cross still hurts. I am just a little more used to the pain than I was when the transition began.

I admit, it is a creepy feeling when people ask me if I have surgically manipulated my daughter’s genitals. It feels obvious that children do not get sex reassignment surgery and that their “transition” is a social one where they live as their true identity albeit in the same body as before. But I’m finding out is that it is obvious for me because I live it every day and have learned about it for the past 2 years.

I read whatever there is out there about transgender kids and have started reading about adults. I went to Seattle to meet Stephanie Brill and attend the Gender Spectrum conference to expand my knowledge. And I read and reread Stephanie’s book The Transgender Child like I would the most coveted of resource materials. I seek parents and transgender people who are willing to connect, talk and share their stories. So it’s clear to me what the steps are for a social transition of a child, but it’s as clear as mud for people on the outside.

My sister gasped when I told her about the question on the phone. “People actually think parents do that?”, she said. “Uh, yeah…”, I replied without having anything to say next. It is strange to me to think that people who hear that my daughter transitioned her gender may go to that extreme. But what do they know about hormone blockers, pediatric endocrinologists and delaying the start of puberty? I’ve started qualifying that it is a social transition to clarify, but it still produces a deer-in-the-headlights expression. Just like saying your 6-year-old is transgender I guess.

I don’t blame people. They don’t know. The gal who asked me literally has a heart of gold and admits that she just can’t wrap her head around my transgender child. And I accept that. I’d rather know the truth than have someone smile and nod to my face and then walk away with a scowl. This general confusion is the impetus for me writing the book about our family. This mystery behind what really happens when a child transitions their gender.

Then maybe the next parent of a TG child won’t get “the look” when they explain to the doctor’s secretary that your daughter is a girl despite the file that reflects a boy’s name and gender marker. And the secretary won’t say “Does she have a twin? Why does this say she is a boy?” really loud, making your daughter hide behind your back so no one in the office sees her cry in pain. Maybe together we can increase awareness and sensitivity- just one story at a time.