The clock read 5am and I was awake in bed this morning. Can’t seem to change my internal body clock with the Daylight Savings program I guess. Instead of reaching for my iPhone and checking messages (my daily ritual) I stayed still with the covers crunched around my fingers resting at the base of my chin. After I got over how quiet the condo was I had a startling thought… Hope might not be able to have her own children. Really??!!??

My mind swirled. Maybe they freeze sperm? Maybe she won’t have sperm because of delaying puberty? How does that work? Where is my transgender bible, I thought. Where is The Transgender Child? I blamed the upcoming move for my laziness in finding the copy, but swore I would do some research to find out what exactly happens when we delay puberty. I know that she will receive hormone blockers that delay the onset of puberty, but beyond that I need to talk with our pediatric endocrinologist it seems. I want to see him now; however, last time I called he told me I was a little early for all the discussions. I wish everyone was on my timetable.

We are lucky to have hormone blockers available. We have been told that they do not have any side effects for the child beyond halting the development of puberty. It terrifies Hope. We call it secondary sexual characteristics- the Adam’s apple, the facial hair, the deepening of the voice and angling of the facial features. She calls it “looking like Daddy.” and although she adores her father she DOES NOT want to look like a man when she gets older.

From the research I have done thus far, when she is ready, maybe a decade or so from now, we’ll discuss female hormones. Afterwards, when she is ready, we’ll discuss gender reassignment surgery. I am not ready to go there now so I will leave all that big stuff for another day. There are other matters that rise to the top of my Mommy To-Do List now like breakfasts and clothes and homework and hugs and kisses.