Two years ago she told us that she felt like a girl inside. When it happened I was taken back. What did that mean? Did someone hurt her? Was someone filling her head with these ideas? I knew she had a close friend in preschool with a powerful personality and an extremely girlie-girl demeanor. Hope even confided that the girl asked her to wear girl’s clothes. (Now that doesn’t happen every day?!) Perhaps Hope is trying out how it feels to be a girl. Maybe she identifies with this little girl and wants to please her. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe.

From the very first time she confided in me that about feeling like a girl in a boy’s body, I embraced her. “Having a boy’s body doesn’t mean you can’t feel like a girl inside. Be who you are.” I would tell her again and again. Even though my husband and I embraced how she felt, nothing changed from an outsider’s perspective. She He was okay with wearing boys clothes. At home though, he’d knot these thin blankets together to make “hair” and wear long shirts and call them dresses. He was fine with the male pronoun, but often asked to be called by a girl’s name. At first it was Stephanie, then Hermione and then a couple others. His brother mainly called him the alternate names when they played. We never denied playing as a girl but we didn’t make any changes really for more than a year. Throughout that time, we always encouraged him to talk about his feelings and reminded him that we love him no matter what. Mostly it was the same… “I’m a girl inside.”

About a year after his declaration, he was drawing his self portrait as a girl. Living still fully as a boy, but with a girl’s self portrait, the changes drew attention from the private preschool my children attended. Thankfully we explained how we were handling his feelings and they supported us. But our friends and (some) family were very open minded and didn’t give a thought to a boy acting like a girl. (Some family wore blinders and chose to overlook “certain” behaviors.) “Going through a phase” was what I heard a lot. We, too, wondered when exploration turned to something more concrete. My husband and I agreed that we’d let him decide if and when that happened.

Slowly more girls clothes crept into the wardrobe. A shirt with pink trim became a staple. Some unisex (but more feminine looking) pants became instant favorites. She pleaded for pink sandals. All the time we talked about colors being for everyone. That there was no “boy colors” and “girl colors”, but that didn’t stop her from getting a dress when she wanted. Who was I to say that she couldn’t dress up and feel good about herself? At this point there was only “dressing up” at home.

In her heart this was the first opportunity to try on a girl’s clothes and a girl’s life. It was like she was Cinderella when she got home and could finally transform into everything she wished to be. By the time Halloween came around, she was thrilled to trick-or-treat as Harry Potter’s best friend, Hermione. More than acting like her favorite character, I think she did it to get the wig. At that point, things became crystal clear.

Each person has their own way of expressing themselves. My 5 year old son became possessed by Hermione Grainger about a year ago and started speaking with a very authoritative British voice in everyday life. He would quote her, dress like her and literally embody the character. He said he was a girl inside.

While the bossy voice only lasted for only a couple months (now he just uses it when he is “playing the character” as he explains), being a girl inside is something that he still talks about now and again when he feels like it. We choose to simply listen and support where he goes with it. We’re not oblivious… we had the discussion about the way his body was made, but does that determine who you are inside?

Does it matter that he likes to decorate himself? For Halloween he got the full wig and Hogwarts cloak and tie. He also asked Santa for a princess outfit (which Hermione prefers on more formal occasions). We aren’t afraid of him wearing these clothes. I believe it allows him to express himself and explore his imagination conjuring an intricate web of his own stories and characters. Who knows where this type of creativity could lead him?

Today he came to me and asked if we could cut his Hermione hair and I agreed. Very specific about the style (very Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone), I asked him if he realized that it would never grow back. His quizzical expression said it all. “It’s a wig Mom”, he politely informed me like an old soul gently reaching out to youth.

Not everyone likes this- I get that. This might not be a choice another parent would make and that is okay with us. This is our choice. It works for us. Nevertheless, some people who are close to us communicate a cautious warning (or two) as if wearing dress up clothes will make him scarred for life. While I appreciate the care they show for us, it doesn’t change the way we support him or allow him to navigate through his feelings. So what if he feels like a girl inside? So what if he likes to dress up and play characters?

We are proud of who he is inside and out. A sensitive, loving, funny, intelligent, ethical and dynamic individual who knows he can always come to his parents and tell them the truth. He knows from experience that we will remain open and listen without fear or anger. His feelings and thoughts have a safe haven in our loving outstretched arms and minds. That is enough for us.