Gender Conversations, a new site dedicated to discussions about gender identity, expression and diversity, was born from the need to have our expanded, global community connect in a more user-friendly way. I love social media and daily digests, but it is all missing a critical search function. I want to type “hormone blockers” into a search engine in one site and hear from parents, clinicians and trans folks and learn from different perspectives. This isn’t possible on most sites I know about right now.

By connecting with GC, members can connect and quickly explore what they’re looking for without sifting through long conversation threads. Similarly they don’t have to get online so often. Put a discussion out there and you can still easily check on it months later to conveniently see what new members have added. Love that. Events are being posted. Groups are being formed. People are talking. It’s all coming together so check it out and let me know what you think.

Click here for an invite and feel free to share with those people who have a story to share. And so the party begins!

Did you see this line-up? It’s astounding how much we can learn in 3 short days, but I’m doing it all… including the yoga and meditation. I’m in. All in.

It’s funny, my daughter told someone recently that I was going to a conference and that I wrote a book. I was surprised because she prefers that we live relatively (almost completely) stealth so I probably produced a more than inquisitive look at her proud declaration. (Still working on my poker face truth be told…) Later I asked about it and she simply replied that she was happy that I was “helping people be better parents.” Whoa!!!!?? 

I wish that I could assume such a glorious job title, but alas I felt more comfortable clarifying that I ask questions and talk about things that might help parents along their journey. Simple. A take-it-or-leave-it type of thing. No pressure. But in her eyes, when she sees the cover of my book she’s constantly reminded of our talks about the parents who may not understand their child’s gender identity, or as she prefers to it as “how people feel inside”. She may ponder what life would be like if we didn’t listen to her or forced her to be someone she isn’t. That breaks my heart.

Even my son brought on the water works today. Bright and early, before 6am he chose to absolve me of my parental duties by telling me that he “forgives me for missing his graduation” and gave me an enormous hug that made me wish that this was my wake up call every morning. Mind you, he is graduating from preschool, which is huge for him and totally important. I get that. Still.

I start to tear up when I think of connecting with others this weekend. Why? Maybe because I feel the emotional weight of families who struggle with issues surrounding gender expression. I was there just a few years ago, not knowing where to turn or how to help. Life looked condensed in a way, with fear closing all the doors I wish were open. That was then.

Today we are free. Not completely transparent, but living and standing in our truth day in and day out. And I have so many people to thank for that. You know who you are – you beautiful, courageous, loving, loyal, open and supportive friends who have stood by me even when my brave disguise had worn thin. You’ve lifted me, carried me, soothed me and inspired me to do more for all of the families, like ours, that want to live genuinely, no matter what that looks like. I’m eternally grateful. And blessed.

Despite me not thinking much of an ad the simply celebrates parents and kids (and really cute clothes BTW), apparently lots of people can’t seem to stop talking about it. Some even claim that Jenna Lyons is confusing her son and making his life more difficult. Thankfully some professionals have come out with an acknowledgement that this is simply not true. If my Mac wasn’t acting wonky I’d add some links, but I’m guessing you’ve read all the reports in the LA Times and Chicago Tribune, am I right?

Let’s all agree that toenail polish can’t make you change your gender or affect your sexual orientation. Trust me, just as much as all the blue in the world couldn’t make Hope feel like a boy, all the pink in the world won’t make Will feel like a girl. We feel the way we feel regardless of how exterior forces persuade us. The reality is that there are children right now being dressed in clothes that don’t feel right for their identified gender and they hate it. They are being forced to live a way they don’t feel is genuine and that is painful. I’ve seen it.

While I would love to thank J Crew for celebrating trans kids, I don’t really get that in this ad and frankly, I don’t have to. I see a mom and her child having fun and I love it. What I will express gratitude for is that Jenna Lyons (and J Crew) are courageous enough to depict real life through their work. Plain and simple.

Obviously J Crew struck a chord with some people. Hopefully this spark will ignite many conversations where minds can open, hearts can connect and understanding can grow. That’s the balance of life. Something happens that challenges how we view life and we take away from it what we need. Another day comes and another spark ignites.

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Portland, Oregon February 17, 2011

BirchSwinger Films & TransActive present “…small words”

A new documentary about children, their families and gender.

This is an opportunity for parents, family and allies of gender non-conforming and transgender children to meet respected Portland documentary filmmaker and director Dennis Lavery, who’s upcoming film “…small words” will explore the everyday lives of children, youth and families who, among other things, happen to be gender non-conforming or transgender.

This event will provide parents and others the chance to ask questions of both the filmmaker and TransActive staff regarding potential participation in the film itself, or general information that may pertain to children who do not experience or express their gender identity in ways that conform to cultural expectations or stereotypes.

This event is open to the public (all ages) and will feature:

• Excerpts from Mr. Lavery’s prior documentary film, “In The Shadow of The Temple”
• Screening of TransActive’s new video, “Unconditional”
• An informational presentation by TransActive program managers Zena Britadesco & Sheryl Rindel, LPC, NCC
• Extensive Q & A
• Snacks & beverages

When:
Saturday, February 19, 2011, 2:00-4:00 PM

Where:
In Other Words (Feminist Community Center)
14 NE Killingsworth Street (At Williams)
Portland, OR  97211

Phone: 503-232-6003

# # #

TransActive Education & Advocacy, a non-profit organization, provides the necessary support to improve the quality of life of transgender and gender non-conforming children, youth and their families through education, services, advocacy and research.

Click here to listen to the podcast and tell me what you think.

I was naive enough to trot out my front door to pick up my son, happy as a clam, when I hung up with the host. Little did I know they finished the hour with callers who provided their questions and thoughts, free of my answers and perspective. Maybe that was best for me at the time? I’ve had mixed responses from the people who listened. Some folks said that the host, and some of the callers, were hard on me. Some said that they thought it went well.

Me? I think that the host needs to stir the pot whatever the subject, get the listeners thinking about what they believe in, keep them engaged until they can’t help it but call in and give their two cents. That makes for good talk radio. I don’t fault the host for his line of questioning, or the callers for their reaction. That is what is.

The silver lining? Our message of love and acceptance reached a group of people who might not otherwise know what transgender means, let alone understand that some people come to their gender awareness at such a young age. Before they might have pictured a drag queen when they heard the word transgender, but maybe that image was challenged for an hour or so. Maybe they took this subject back to their dinner table or water cooler. Maybe they did a little research of their own. Or just maybe they opened their heart enough to move closer toward that gender diverse child in their own lives.

Again, yoga saved my day. In times of difficulty I have my little mantras that bring me back. As long as I have my breath I endure anything. Even when the questions get harder. Stand in my truth. Especially when people don’t agree with me. Compassion is my guide. My life lessons are right here before me and all I need to do is be present.

I never thought that a Lady Gaga song would bring me to tears, but her Grammy performance of “Born This Way” left me looking for tissues yesterday.

To think a international cultural phenomenon is not just spreading an LGBT message, she is singing about embracing transgender people… at the Grammy’s. I turned to my friend, my eyes wet with gratitude, and said, “Things are changing, aren’t they?” He nodded and we both watched history being made before our eyes.

Thank you Lady Gaga, wherever you are, for being so courageous, so fearless. Your message instantly permeates popular culture, creates new conversations, and ultimately changes lives. You wouldn’t think that one little song could impact a little 7 year old’s life, but it does.

Read more from my latest book review at Witch Mom Blog: Parenting By the Light of the Moon.

Every time I would be ready to take the step into the light I found some way to go in the other direction. I wasn’t really ready at all. Like many parents of gender diverse children, I feared that someone would hurt my children because they do not agree with our lives. That thought paralyzes me, the power of people who simply don’t understand. It took me a year to pull myself up by the bootstraps and remind myself that nothing will get better unless we educate the community and advocate for all of our children and their families.

Once the book was published and sitting in my hot, little hands, I felt the strength to put aside my fears and practice what I preach. I needed to believe in being who I was, a mom who loves her children with every fiber of her being. Still, I wondered how I could put a barrier between the image of my public self and the reality of my private self for their sake. Kind of a disconnect for folks seeking to do us harm. I guess living stealth for this long made me question everything around me and I wondered how I could insulate my children from any negative backlash.

Glasses! There you go! Sure, I usually wear my glasses when doing things with my advocacy work and they might make me look a little different, but would that make a significant difference? Then my mother suggested I wear a wig to cover my signature short pixie. I have to tell you, I considered it for a second before I remembered how ridiculous it was. Why do I need to camouflage myself?

The fear is real. It’s what prevents parents and caregivers across the country (and the world) from allowing their child to present as their identified gender outside the home. Every time I talk about gender diversity or talk with families in similar circumstances I relate the single experience that made the biggest impact on me and my family. It was the afternoon my child (pre-transition) asked me if he could wear a dress to a concert in the park.

When he asked I could feel time slow to a crawl as he stared at me, searching for the answer to a question that he didn’t directly ask. He was really asking if I believed everything I told the kids about being true to yourself. Was it really okay for him to wear a dress to the concert if he wanted? Then I asked myself. Did I really stand behind my own words? Could we handle the transition from him presenting inside the house to him presenting outside in the real world? It’s a big jump, and we did it.

Once you make that leap to presenting in the outside world, things change. Yes, you are free for the first time. Free to express yourself out in the open. What a liberating moment! I saw the exuberance on my child’s face being able to walk outdoors with a favorite outfit on. At the same time, I started to build a layer of armour against the dirty looks and the unkind comments like “Why is that boy wearing a pink dress?” Subconsciously I piled on more emotional protection when family and friends turned their backs on us as my child moved from just presenting full-time to transitioning to living full-time as her identified gender, a girl. The pain was immense. The loss, hard to make sense of yourself, let alone explain to small children.

Slowly I began to realize that the hiding I was doing, even as insignificant as it seemed, was unnecessary. If people wanted to find me, they would. As a mom, I am in protector mode 24/7 so that will never change. I trust myself. I will always put my best foot forward with regards to their safety and well-being, my only true concern, and now I’ve slowly started to accept that the light isn’t a threat. It is a freedom.

I showed up to the television studio unsure of what I was going to say and waited patiently as everyone busily prepared around me. My hands fiddled with my glasses as I listened to my kirtan music through headphones. I nervously put them on and then I took them off as if I was testing the waters. The more Krishna Das sang in my ears, the less I tugged at my glasses. At one point I took them off, slipped them into my handbag and then I totally let them go. Even before the producer finished asking me if I was ready I was nodding my head up and down, steady in my resolve. I had successfully taken off my glasses.

Just like that afternoon when my child confidently walked outside the front door ready to go to the concert, I smiled as I sat down in my seat, raised my head proudly and looked straight into the lens.