Despite me not thinking much of an ad the simply celebrates parents and kids (and really cute clothes BTW), apparently lots of people can’t seem to stop talking about it. Some even claim that Jenna Lyons is confusing her son and making his life more difficult. Thankfully some professionals have come out with an acknowledgement that this is simply not true. If my Mac wasn’t acting wonky I’d add some links, but I’m guessing you’ve read all the reports in the LA Times and Chicago Tribune, am I right?

Let’s all agree that toenail polish can’t make you change your gender or affect your sexual orientation. Trust me, just as much as all the blue in the world couldn’t make Hope feel like a boy, all the pink in the world won’t make Will feel like a girl. We feel the way we feel regardless of how exterior forces persuade us. The reality is that there are children right now being dressed in clothes that don’t feel right for their identified gender and they hate it. They are being forced to live a way they don’t feel is genuine and that is painful. I’ve seen it.

While I would love to thank J Crew for celebrating trans kids, I don’t really get that in this ad and frankly, I don’t have to. I see a mom and her child having fun and I love it. What I will express gratitude for is that Jenna Lyons (and J Crew) are courageous enough to depict real life through their work. Plain and simple.

Obviously J Crew struck a chord with some people. Hopefully this spark will ignite many conversations where minds can open, hearts can connect and understanding can grow. That’s the balance of life. Something happens that challenges how we view life and we take away from it what we need. Another day comes and another spark ignites.

As the name of my blog and my book suggest, I’m a Seussian, a devoted follower of Dr. Seuss and I strongly believe than most of life’s biggest mysteries could be solved by simply reading his books. Love. Vanity. War. Conservation. Integrity. Boredom. Courage. Government. Mischief. Freedom. Ethics. Commitment. You name it, I’ve grasped the concept first from Dr. Seuss. First as a child, then as an adult, I’ve gone back to his books when I’ve needed to take that flight of fancy into what really means anything to me in this world.

There is nothing more soothing than Oh! The Places You’ll Go! when you crave enlightenment. Yes, we WILL move mountains. 100% guaranteed.

Take this morning… one sleepy child was in a huff that the other had (what appeared to be) more strawberry-banana smoothie in their little Lilly Pulitzer pink and green glass. Heaven forbid! Shoulders crunched, faces scrunched, eyes squinted. What time is it again? The lovey mojo of good morning kisses were long gone until I turned to iTunes to rescue us. Not even a song later I saw their postures loosen, smiles emerged and then, laughter graced my little kitchen. Saved, yet again, by the power of music. As the two pranced off, best friends once more, I stayed behind loading the dishwasher when this Tracy Chapman song came on and it hit me like a ton of bricks…

If you knew that you would die today,

Saw the face of God and love,

Would you change?
Would you change?

If you knew that love can break your heart
When you’re down so low you cannot fall
Would you change?
Would you change?

How bad, how good does it need to get?
How many losses? How much regret?
What chain reaction would cause an effect?
Makes you turn around,
Makes you try to explain,
Makes you forgive and forget,
Makes you change?
Makes you change?

If you knew that you would be alone,
Knowing right, being wrong,
Would you change?
Would you change?

If you knew that you would find a truth
That brings up pain that can’t be soothed
Would you change?
Would you change?

How bad, how good does it need to get?
How many losses? How much regret?
What chain reaction would cause an effect?
Makes you turn around,
Makes you try to explain,
Makes you forgive and forget,
Makes you change?
Makes you change?

Are you so upright you can’t be bent?
If it comes to blows are you so sure you won’t be crawling?
If not for the good, why risk falling?
Why risk falling?

If everything you think you know,
Makes your life unbearable,
Would you change?
Would you change?

If you’d broken every rule and vow,
And hard times come to bring you down,
Would you change?
Would you change?

If you knew that you would die today,
If you saw the face of God and love,
Would you change?
Would you change?
Would you change?
Would you change?

If you saw the face of God and love
If you saw the face of God and love
Would you change?
Would you change?

Last night I found myself reading into the wee hours, that’s my thing when I have too much on my mind, so I grabbed Deepak Chopra’s Power, Freedom & Grace to shine a light on what was happening in my life: finances, prickly relationships, school next year for the kids, things I wish I would have done, but didn’t have the courage to, words left unspoken. I felt like a top spiraling, but not the way you’d normally picture it quickly gliding in smooth circles, all strong and centered. No, this was the loopy, falling to one side, drunk-looking top that couldn’t decide whether to keep going or just plop over. I was flailing, so I cracked open the vessel that I hoped had an answer. It didn’t, but I got tired enough to put my thoughts to rest, at least for one night.

When I woke up my quandaries still plagued me, but in the backdrop like white noise as the kids barked at one another about breakfast and equality. Then, in my peaceful state of contemplating whether the Crate & Barrel eco-friendly bowl could actually unravel in the dishwasher like they cautioned, I began hearing the answers louder than the questions.

Every moment is another chance.

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Portland, Oregon February 17, 2011

BirchSwinger Films & TransActive present “…small words”

A new documentary about children, their families and gender.

This is an opportunity for parents, family and allies of gender non-conforming and transgender children to meet respected Portland documentary filmmaker and director Dennis Lavery, who’s upcoming film “…small words” will explore the everyday lives of children, youth and families who, among other things, happen to be gender non-conforming or transgender.

This event will provide parents and others the chance to ask questions of both the filmmaker and TransActive staff regarding potential participation in the film itself, or general information that may pertain to children who do not experience or express their gender identity in ways that conform to cultural expectations or stereotypes.

This event is open to the public (all ages) and will feature:

• Excerpts from Mr. Lavery’s prior documentary film, “In The Shadow of The Temple”
• Screening of TransActive’s new video, “Unconditional”
• An informational presentation by TransActive program managers Zena Britadesco & Sheryl Rindel, LPC, NCC
• Extensive Q & A
• Snacks & beverages

When:
Saturday, February 19, 2011, 2:00-4:00 PM

Where:
In Other Words (Feminist Community Center)
14 NE Killingsworth Street (At Williams)
Portland, OR  97211

Phone: 503-232-6003

# # #

TransActive Education & Advocacy, a non-profit organization, provides the necessary support to improve the quality of life of transgender and gender non-conforming children, youth and their families through education, services, advocacy and research.

His hand rests on her flat stomach. His face glowing as he whispers words only she will ever hear. Words of joy that only two people who have a child together ever know. I can’t take my eyes off of them, their light shining into the waiting room where I sit waiting for my test, and my mind relaxes back in time.

“It’s a boy!” The words sounded like a symphony. Even though my money was on a girl, Ava or perhaps Bella, my heart leapt with the excitement of knowing. This first introduction.

“What is it?” was the first thing people said when we called after the appointment and I happily supplied the information. It’s true. I was one of those people who needed to know, and even gently berating friends who didn’t find out the sex of their baby. “I’m a planner!” I’d explain, so confidently. So quick. I was so young in so many ways. What did I know?

These days gender plays a much less relevant role in our lives, but because we opt to see both sides of the coin or so I thought until my son came home from a birthday party hell-bent that the pink horse birthday cake could only be a girl.

“How would we know that Sweetie?” I already saw the answer clear as day from the way he looked at me, so sly. Still, the exercise is so worth the time.

“She was pink Mom!” he replied without hesitation. Really??!!? My child still adhering to traditional gender stereotyping? All the discussions, education, summer camps and conferences? Really??!!? His sister is gender diverse for heaven’s sake! And he still believes that pink makes a girl? Tells us how strong our culture reinforces these “norms” or the fact that Will found a way to mess with me, really get my goat.

“Pink is just a color Darling,” I suggest calmly to my son’s definitive statement, “Anyone could wear pink or be pink for that matter. It doesn’t make you a boy or a girl.” By this time Hope strolls in and nods in agreement just like an older sister would. Will looks at both of us for a moment, shrugs his shoulders, a classic “Okay” move on his part, and moves on to the next fun thing.

I guess it took me this long to release the trap of the strict binary code on my brain, I could at last give him a bit more time. Still, I wonder if that couple will find out at twenty weeks or remain blissfully unaware.

Every time I would be ready to take the step into the light I found some way to go in the other direction. I wasn’t really ready at all. Like many parents of gender diverse children, I feared that someone would hurt my children because they do not agree with our lives. That thought paralyzes me, the power of people who simply don’t understand. It took me a year to pull myself up by the bootstraps and remind myself that nothing will get better unless we educate the community and advocate for all of our children and their families.

Once the book was published and sitting in my hot, little hands, I felt the strength to put aside my fears and practice what I preach. I needed to believe in being who I was, a mom who loves her children with every fiber of her being. Still, I wondered how I could put a barrier between the image of my public self and the reality of my private self for their sake. Kind of a disconnect for folks seeking to do us harm. I guess living stealth for this long made me question everything around me and I wondered how I could insulate my children from any negative backlash.

Glasses! There you go! Sure, I usually wear my glasses when doing things with my advocacy work and they might make me look a little different, but would that make a significant difference? Then my mother suggested I wear a wig to cover my signature short pixie. I have to tell you, I considered it for a second before I remembered how ridiculous it was. Why do I need to camouflage myself?

The fear is real. It’s what prevents parents and caregivers across the country (and the world) from allowing their child to present as their identified gender outside the home. Every time I talk about gender diversity or talk with families in similar circumstances I relate the single experience that made the biggest impact on me and my family. It was the afternoon my child (pre-transition) asked me if he could wear a dress to a concert in the park.

When he asked I could feel time slow to a crawl as he stared at me, searching for the answer to a question that he didn’t directly ask. He was really asking if I believed everything I told the kids about being true to yourself. Was it really okay for him to wear a dress to the concert if he wanted? Then I asked myself. Did I really stand behind my own words? Could we handle the transition from him presenting inside the house to him presenting outside in the real world? It’s a big jump, and we did it.

Once you make that leap to presenting in the outside world, things change. Yes, you are free for the first time. Free to express yourself out in the open. What a liberating moment! I saw the exuberance on my child’s face being able to walk outdoors with a favorite outfit on. At the same time, I started to build a layer of armour against the dirty looks and the unkind comments like “Why is that boy wearing a pink dress?” Subconsciously I piled on more emotional protection when family and friends turned their backs on us as my child moved from just presenting full-time to transitioning to living full-time as her identified gender, a girl. The pain was immense. The loss, hard to make sense of yourself, let alone explain to small children.

Slowly I began to realize that the hiding I was doing, even as insignificant as it seemed, was unnecessary. If people wanted to find me, they would. As a mom, I am in protector mode 24/7 so that will never change. I trust myself. I will always put my best foot forward with regards to their safety and well-being, my only true concern, and now I’ve slowly started to accept that the light isn’t a threat. It is a freedom.

I showed up to the television studio unsure of what I was going to say and waited patiently as everyone busily prepared around me. My hands fiddled with my glasses as I listened to my kirtan music through headphones. I nervously put them on and then I took them off as if I was testing the waters. The more Krishna Das sang in my ears, the less I tugged at my glasses. At one point I took them off, slipped them into my handbag and then I totally let them go. Even before the producer finished asking me if I was ready I was nodding my head up and down, steady in my resolve. I had successfully taken off my glasses.

Just like that afternoon when my child confidently walked outside the front door ready to go to the concert, I smiled as I sat down in my seat, raised my head proudly and looked straight into the lens.

Reminds me of a conversation I had last with a friend who told me he heard a PSA supporting the LGBT community earlier that day. “I watch a lot of TV,” he said, “but I’ve never heard anything like that before.” Times are changing. Hearts and minds are opening. With each story, each voice, the message finds a crack where it never reached before and therein lies the opportunity to grow and expand, and love.

Maybe I’m too hopeful? Maybe I need to see the silver lining so that my momentum doesn’t lose steam? Or maybe, just maybe, this is exactly what I’ve always dreamed about – a time when we can talk about gender diverse children and their families without shame or fear.

As I write I watch my gorgeous little child peacefully working on her schoolwork, pausing for a moment to grin at me as she finds I am staring a little too long. I can’t help it. I would move mountains for my the safety and well-being of my children. I will fight for her, and all kids who are diverse in their gender expression, so that they have an equal chance in this world. They deserve to experience life, with all of its ups and downs, the way any child could. Gender is just one part of the whole child.

“I love you,” I tell her when I look up and it’s she who is now looking right at me.

“What if she just starts feeling like a boy again?” they inquire, usually with a look on their face that stresses that what I am about to say is critical for their piece of mind. Sometimes the questioner impatiently puts their hand to their chin and squint their eyes as if that makes whatever comes next easier to swallow. Other times they lean in with urgency or lean back with a chill and fold their arms tightly to their shoulders bracing themselves with a self-hug, as if what comes out of my mouth next is some seriously classified information. Regardless of the style, the folks that ask this question are more often than not hinged on my answer.

I have to admit here that I do not have a poker face. If you know me, you’ll start laughing here. It’s true. After dozens of failed attempts at stifling my extremely expressive facial expressions (and throw in hand gestures for good measure) I’ve just come to accept it as a part of me. What can you do? What you see is what you get with me, for better or worse.

“Okay,” I reply and then I just stop. My friends have reported that I usually say this rather quickly, with a smile, one raised eyebrow and a slight shrug. You can imagine the responses…

“What do you MEAN okay?”

“What’s OKAY about that?”

“No, but what are you going to DO?”

It’s about this time I slip into caregiver mode, a “shhhhh… there, there dear…” vibe seeps out of me as I recognize that this person in front of me needs more. More than my okay-ness with my child’s gender identity. More than my casual attitude toward our lives shifting drastically in another direction. More than my quiet acceptance of the future. More.

That’s how some very long and very meaningful conversations begin, with well-intentioned questions, and I love it. The dialogue opens up channels of thought, for both of us. Talking always takes us to the next step. I’m not saying it resolves everything. We may get to a place where we disagree more than we did before, but it’s a jumping off point. That’s exciting stuff to me. I guess that’s why I like to do talks and open the floor up for discussion, to hear people’s thoughts. There is so much out there I’ve yet to learn and I feel ready.

“None of us know what will happen next,” is usually what I return to when I’m talking with someone who wants me to shine up my crystal ball. It’s a fact we can all agree on and relate to, even if it feels foreign at first. It’s an aspect of parenting that we all face, no matter what our family looks like. Parents cannot plan out their children’s lives, no matter how hard we try. If we work like hell to shape them into what we want, we will most often fail. Children are not under our control. I see parents as guides for life. Be ready for your camper to go off course once in a while, it’s their journey.

Inevitably life will take its course and we can hop on the ride or sit by the sidelines planning our next move for eternity. Ditch the map! Enjoy, make the most of it and if you can, share love along the way.

The book is available on Amazon, Barnes and Noble, AuthorHouse, and over 20,000 book retailers. Please share your reviews here or on the sites where you purchased your copy. Every little comment helps send the message of love, hope and support out to the world.

Thank you!