Tags
fulfillment, giving up your passion for your job, hiding true self, manifesting your dreams, money or happiness, second chances, supporting a family, working moms
The other day a black crow swooped down in front of me, rested gently on the ground and abruptly turned to me with a menacing grin as if to say, “Watch what you believe to be true.” Because it’s not.
What we see on the outside is but a dream.
Buddhists believe we pass on to the next life as easy as removing our day clothes for the comfort of pajamas. Transition. So what is this exterior we are so attached to? What significance is what we take in with our eyes? What we judge each other with such fervor? What does it matter?
Who are we? What do we know?
My crow friend laughed at me, it’s wise, dark eyes fixed on my gaping mouth, my wild eyes. The letters that “just had to go out on time” almost falling from one hand as the other held the post office box open wide. This beautiful creature stopped me from moving about my afternoon in a daze, like a robot carrying out its mindless mission. Step A to Step B. Repeat.
What am I really doing with my life now that I’ve stepped away from writing and speaking for the typical 9-to-5? My bank account hasn’t made a single complaint about regular deposits now has it? The hands on the clock move faster than ever as I push one meaningless paper after the other into the eternal filing cabinet.
But where is my soul? I feel like someone has turned down the volume on my life, and the mumblings have morphed into flavorless elevator music.
Somehow I’ve stifled my voice to squeeze into a career-friendly skirt and not-to-offend shoe. Every morning I disguise my beloved tattoos, pure expressions of my Being, for people who see me as nothing more significant than monotonous scenery along a dirty urban street. Every sunrise I extinguish my light a little bit more, and for what?
For my children, that’s what.
A friend asked me to build a gender clinic for kids here in my city, and I almost burst into tears in pure desperation. If only…
“I’ll ask the Universe,” I replied, holding back the fury (and embarrassment) that comes along with making friends with your captor. The resignation of guilt that I’ve become so comfortable as I step farther away from what I clearly understand to be my life’s purpose and source of fulfillment. I can’t blame the money, or my children, or the bills.
Gently I move my mind away from blame and toward gratitude… for the crow, for the awareness of what is important, and the ability to harness my voice and shine my light.
Tomorrow is another day.
Almost two decades ago, my very wise co-worker Roy told me “sometimes you do what you’ve gotta do… til you ain’t gotta do it no more…” That’s gotten me through many long years of being a good little sheep in the corporate herd when, in reality, wool makes me itch like nobody’s business and honestly, sheep’s clothing doesn’t fit an alleycat very well. I am STILL trying to “baaaa” through life when my tune is really more a “Stray Cat Strut”.
Which is to say, don’t feel like you’re not doing what you need to do. This is what you need to do FOR NOW. Just don’t forget the dreams whilst you slog through the reality.
Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow…you’ll blink and then it will be time for “now”!
I was going to leave you one quote from Eleanor Roosevelt but alas, some how, these three seem possibly appropriate.
“Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, and today is a gift; thats why they call it the present.”
“You must do the things you think you cannot do.”
“When you cease to make a contribution, you begin to die.”
I would add this- live your truth, not someone else’s, YOURS, hold your head high proud of you you are, who you are becoming, and your contributions to the world. Believe, believe in yourself Jenn
Thank you, Cheryl. I will go back to these quotes often. Best, Jen
I once read – I don’t remember where or by whom, but the luxury of age is though you don’t remember many things, you get less and less upset at the not remembering… – an aphorism that strikes as deep now as it did when first read. “The true tragedy is to make the journey but to miss the meaning:. I think it is encumbant upon each of us to constantly “see” our actions and to try to analyze whether or not it has meaning. For many of us, it is simply too painful to face the reality that what we are doing is counterproductive to our ultimate happiness and fulfillment as a person.
I love how you write. Beautiful. How are Hope and Will doing? Will we get an update on them soon? I hope all is well with the kiddos xoxo
I’ve wondered what had become of you here. Glad to know it’s just another effect of the real world taking over for a while. Hopefully all is as well as possible for you and your sweet family. Take care!
Thank you, I’ll be back soon.