Tags
doctors visits, hormone blockers for gender diverse kids, letting go, loving your kids, protecting your children, puberty, transgender kids, using your voice, walking your path
“Are you nervous?” Only a slight shrug (one arm) let me know that she was listening to me. So this is what parents of teenagers mean? But I don’t have a teen yet, do I?
Our kids have to grow up so fast, balancing the world upon their tiny shoulders. Now new doctors, new questions, new procedures… same old pain.
I keep telling myself she’ll talk if she wants to and no one will force her to go to a place where she doesn’t feel safe, and yet… I want to fall down, scream. I feel like tearing at my clothes… scratching at my eyes. Wailing. I want to beg for things to be different. Bargain anything. Everything. If only I could make it easier for her.
Don’t force a physical exam this time, please. Don’t casually hand her the dreaded paper gown that she’s never been able to touch all these years. Don’t ask her. Don’t chat about the weather as you touch her. My throat tightens as her eyes gently close, tears falling down the corners as she turns her head away from the reality of where she is and what is happening. Don’t push her down an alley of unhappiness, this bright ray of sunshine. My baby. Don’t touch her.
I plead in my dark, silent room tonight, and yet I know that there isn’t anything I can do to prevent what needs to happen. They need to check her to take care of her. She needs to allow it. I need to stand by and witness my child’s pain.
Let it be me.
Give me the pain, not her.
Not her.
Step aside Jen, and allow your child to walk her path. That’s what I tell myself. I whisper with closed eyes. She’s strong, resilient, remarkable and ready.
But am I?
Come on with the transgender wannabes already sick of hearing about them
1994Janet- Sounds like you truly don’t understand anything about transgender issues, and I’m frankly shocked you’d find my blog if you weren’t looking for some type of answers or guidance. I wish you the best in finding the truth you are looking for.
I’m late with this comment, but hope she (and you!) did OK with that necessary (among surely so many others to come) process. I think of you and your sweet family often. The grace with which you responded to that other comment, simply underscores how lucky those children are to have you for their mama bear!
You’re never late Carroll. Thank you- Jen
It was extremely difficult for me to understand what my child experienced during her turn on the exam table….but my heart reached out to want to embrace and protect her. I did what I thought was right and listened as the specialist physician candidly and carefully spoke to our parental questions. I encouraged my child to ask any questions and express any concerns – even though I realized that the moment was too big for her and the overwhelming fear of being associated with her anatomy and not her soul was consuming her.
Later in the car on the way home, I quietly listened as my sweet child wept openly in the back seat of our car about the tragic enigma of her life….and at such a young age….while my wife tenderly listened and consoled her. “why did God make me this way?! – I don’t want to live like this!”. Now I was silently crying too as I carefully winded my way through the rush hour traffic. She is too young to have to embrace this challenge.
But maybe Jen is right and she is stronger and braver than I can imagine. Its me who I have to make sure is ready first.
Your comment should be read by every single person who , out of ignorance, speaks of “transgender wannabes” like above. Would anyone volunteer for such painful experiences ?
I want to send you all the encouragement I can. All I can offer is understanding and compassion. All the best to you and your family! This bewildering situation is not any of us would have chosen, but our children make us become much stronger than we imagined, and we can pass this test for them and with them. Blessings!
Thank you, Sylvia.