Tags
adolescence, faith, fear, hormone blockers, parenting, pediatric endocrinologists, Tanner 2, transgender kids
Shifting uncomfortably in my seat last night I tried to focus on our speaker, a well known endocrinologist, but I kept sticking on his sentences like fresh gum keeping a shoe from freely taking the next step. Earlier in the day I was thinking of how our family tries to blur the lines between what is traditionally thought of as “boy” or “girl” to break down the binary code. I take my son for his favorite treat- pedicures complete with painted toes. I applaud when my daughter builds the biggest space ship and she’s the superhero that saves the day. It’s all good.
So when our discussion last night, centered around transitioning bodies to appropriate genders, started to feel like the way people looked was more important than how they feel I started to feel like I had ants in my pants. Aren’t we trying to move past “passing” or as I like to refer to it “how people are reading us” or are we buying into it? Deep breath Jen.
Here’s my beef with “passing”, it puts the onus on the individual being read to satisfy some mystery requirements to register female or male. really Last night the specialist said that all a female needed to do to “pass” as a male was to cut their hair short, wear pants and a flannel. Really? (Immediately I turned to a friend to divulge that I had a quick 2 out of 3 tonight, but my DVF flannel was in the wash!) “Passing” feels like being thrust into a game against your will and then being told the rules were none of your business. It’s a losing affair.
“Being read” (turned on to this by S. Bear Bergman in The Nearest Exit May Be Behind You) however, puts the responsibility on the reader, not the person being read. Feels better. I know it’s just semantics, but it feels like this is where we get tripped up sometimes, our need to see ourselves through another person’s eyes while forgetting about our truth. And then I think… Wait! Shouldn’t we focus on trying to let go of judging altogether? Shouldn’t we dissolve the need to define and identify male/ female (or boy/ girl) all the time? Is it really that important? Could we even if we tried with concerted effort? I’m not sure. Maybe we are hardwired for judgment of this kind? Maybe not.
Huge alarms went off when the doctor explained that “90-95% of all trans females need breast implants.” Need? Apparently this specialist feels that because many trans females have broad shoulders and big breasts deter the eye away from the shoulders, as the shoulders are male identifiers, and bring the attention to where they should be. As in their chest? Yep! As he confidently shook his head up and down encouraging the rest of us to see the logic, my head cocked in disbelief. Here I am an very tall woman with crazy big shoulders and very small breasts. What does THAT mean? Forget my designer flannel, is he insinuating that women like me are often read as masculine? I guess the other masculine features fit me as well, angular features, lack of curves. I’ve got the whole package. Lots of people do.
As you can imagine my head was spinning by this time. I felt like I was running from side to side like a double agent in the War of Appearance. On one side I don’t want to give in to gender binaries and judgment and I want my child to just feel genuine inside her skin, whatever that means to her. On the other side I’m desperate not to miss the warning signs, the precursor to Tanner 2 where she would develop male secondary sexual characteristics. It’s not because of her being read as a female, it’s because of an oath I took. Years ago I started to own and cultivate this ever-increasing panic when my daughter made me promise that she could take hormone blockers and made me promise once again with tears in her eyes to “not forget”… it’s everything to her not to look like a man. Not to have a deeper voice, facial hair and an Adam’s apple and I’m charged with making sure that doesn’t happen.
Ominous task when no one can give me straight answers on exactly when Tanner 2 starts. “It’s a case by case basis,” the doctor said last night, and I believe him… but throw a Mom a bone! The doctors near us say she’s too young to be seen. Still, I want her to see a doctor who can help us. Sure, you won’t be administering anything, but take a baseline! Examine her Tanner 1 body so we don’t miss any warning signs. She dislikes her body so she’s definitely not monitoring her testicle size, which is exactly the red flag for Tanner 2 beginning. Breast buds are a sign for Tanner 2 starting in girls. “Peek into the shower when she is in there,” a friend suggested last night. “To stare at her genitals?” I quickly replied almost spitting my water. You can’t possibly understand how this would traumatize my daughter.
A professional stood right in front of me so why not ask how I was supposed to catch a miniscule increase in testicle size. Guess the answer? “It’s so individual, she needs a doctor that can notice the changes,” his answer bugged me, like passing the buck to someone else, anyone else. And if she did have a doctor that she trusted enough to allow him to repeatedly examine her testicles how often does that happen to catch Tanner 2 when it starts? “What’s my window of time in catching Tanner 2?” I asked. You know what he said, “Depends on the individual.” Uh-huh.
I’m confident in most every aspect of my life. Truth is my guide. But puberty, specifically the start of Tanner 2 because that is exactly when pediatric endocrinologists will take you seriously and actually see you in the office, feels like a runaway freight train full of newborn babies that’s both gaining speed and barreling off the tracks and my job is to catch it, stop it and redirect it. It’s up to me.
After some research I feel like I have a good plan on stopping it and getting it back on course. Whew! The glitch is that I live a hundred miles away from where the train is likely to show up, but I don’t know when it’s coming exactly or where. In the dark. Usually when I’m in this state of utter confusion I turn to books, and lots of them, but the books out today about puberty give me hives. They don’t say a single word about calculating when the freight train is rolling through town. And I need THAT info.
Walking out into the cool, wet night felt refreshing. I must have been sweating in my seat all evening. Nervous. Nervous still. But that’s how life happens. We sit in an uncomfortable place/s knowing that what we do is the right thing asking questions despite the answer being clearly out of view. That’s okay. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow. But standing in my truth, knowing I’m searching, I’m drawing the way closer to us every day. And then I trust it will appear.
think my ziona met hope at gender spectrum this year. one of the seminars I went to mentioned early tests. blood tests for which most insurance companies won’t pay. but that are available to help determine testosterone levels before they rise.
luckily my daughter is okay with her pediatrician, and even allows for genital peaking.
she, like your daughter is so scared of having the slightest hint of becoming male that she has exacted similar promises of me.
but ziona can’t bring herself to touch the “spare parts” as she calls them, either to wasg them or wipe after using the toilet. and so, tho not specifically trained, between my self and her doctor I’m hoping to catch the train too.
I mentioned the blood test to her pediatrician, who was familar with it and is totally on board with ordering it well before even the testicle check.
tho we live in the deep south, and not near any enlightened urban center, we happened to score a doc who’s already had a transgender girl come through her practice!
how cool is that?
I get the whole passing is bullshit “looksism” cisistic and dominant culture oppression.
I, too have broad shoulders, small breasts and no curves, and often sport a nearly shaved head. (except when growing long hair to donate to “locks of love”to make wigs for bald headed cancer kids) and used to always wear loose pants and gender neutral loose shirts.
in fact, a friend of one of my long time trans-friends asked if I was trans. (until my friends jabbed her in the ribs to shut her up – as if I’d take offense! tch) and my kids have ben treated to a mom who won’t kowtow to the dominant paradigm, over gender specifics for toys, clothes, or behaviors…that being said to some, if not many trans people being able to “pass” is important.
it certainly is to ziona!
so I’m gonna try, like you, to catch that train before testosterone had a chance to make her appear the slightest bit “male”. and will try to let her decide whether to accept the whole “curves and breasts” criterion for definition of what “passes”
but hope she’s able to factor in my non-traditional style of being female to her decision.
awfully presumptuous of me?
Jen,
I think you worry too much. Your child is going to do just fine.
Passing, yes would be awesome should not be forced on any human being, we should just be accepted. But then the was majority of nearly 7bio people, like 99.99999% will judge and that fact we trans or you as a parent will not be able top change, hence we need to pass.
I am going right now, this exact days, weeks and month trough this passing and my adaptation to the real world, at 40 not very easy.
As you pointed out, once you start to study people, you get to see potential trans women all over the place.. every female has some characteristics of a trans women, wide shoulders, big hands, wide chin. So this widely publicized characteristics are not what makes one pass or not.
Clothing alone does not make me pass either, it makes me a male in women’s clothing or a transvestite… Surgeries of corse make things way easy, but still even with very good FFS we are easy spotted as trans women or males.
I learned that its a whole bunch of things, mostly mannerisms paired with how I dress – voice of corse too. Much less of it is breast size or facial proportions.
Many trans women dive too much into fashion and makeup, wearing like a beacon attracting attention.
But for your child it will be easy. If she grows up as a girl at this young age, biological factors won’t play a big role. We all copy peers around us, we mirror other we favors behavior in order to gain acceptance and to blend in. This as a child we don’t consciously, as adults now transition we have to focus very much on it to make progress.
Your child will become so much more of girl before she will even need hormones and be fully passable all her life and continue to do so when puberty kicks in. She will have all the little things that make a female a female literally hardcoded into her with or without hormones.
For people like me its about erasing hard programming, reseting and reprogramming a old and damaged memory bank
.
Sarah
Hi Sarah- You are right. I worry. I guess I don’t want to screw this up for Hope. And I know I’ll do everything I can so I should rest assured. Still. Thank you for putting things into perspective. Appreciate it! Best- Jen
Jen,
worrying for a child is great ! I wish I had anybody that truly worries about me in my life, being a little bit older make my family naturally thinend out and kind of left me behind on my own. This is nothing to complain about, its a fact of life.
But now I am standing in my transition with no real ally, well I am married, but my wife is mostly opposed and not necessarily supportive. Your daughter has one of the best head starts that one can have, carrying mother, early start…
For the blood work, you are saying your pediatrician wont do them at this young age ? Blood tests are non-invasive so they can be done at any age.
Here in the country where I life right now, I walk into the next best random clinic and ask for a blood test to be made. They have a nice little check list where I need to make tick marks on the different parameters I require and 24h later I get the results. Ok down side is I have to pay out of my own pocket…. in my specific situation I have to cover the whole transitional expenses anyway. The cost for my blood work is usually around 200-300 USD for a fool panel. For you daughter it would be a single test I assume and you can look up the reference values on the internet.
On the other hand it should be ordered by a pediatrician and interpreted by one too, or endocrinologist. At least in europe the doc’s do what the patient asks for in most cases, as long as payment is not a issue
.
Sarah
I would think any insurance will cover blood test as they’re a routine part of monitoring a person’s health. I agree the physician overseeing Hope should use that and the general guidelines for children. I think the goal is to start just before puberty, so testosterone blockers can, and should(?), be started then and adjusted as she grows. Stopping male puberty will do the most until she can start estrogen for female puberty.
I disagree with the Breast Augmentation (BA) route. It’s unnecessary and most will advocate for FFS only for those starting later in life where it’s helpful, especially since the face is the first thing people use to identify, and judge, others, after which are the voice, presentation, mannerisms, body, etc. As someone noted, if you go for BA first, what will you do and say when they look up at your face? Your breasts are eye candy, your face is you.
For Hope, everything will be instinctive as she grows up. If folks don’t believe it, look at Kim Petras and she how she turned out. You’ll know when to do what, trust your instincts, and of course listening to Hope won’t hurt either.
Hi Jen,
This very tall (5′ 11.5″) transwoman with crazy big shoulders and very small (1/2A, non-augmented) breasts would like to just give you a great big hug.
As an engineer, there is a measurement that I think applies to your daughter and your efforts to catch the train before it leaves the station. It’s called “close enough.” I’m sure that whether it’s by visual observation, smell, or mood changes, you’ll figure out the right time to get your daughter on the blockers, and that time will be “close enough.”
You’re a wonderfully inspiring mom.
Peace and one more hug,
Cynthia
“the specialist said that all a female needed to do to “pass” as a male was to cut their hair short, wear pants and a flannel.”
A specialist said that?!?! Wow. I don’t have any advice, but I wish you and your family all the best. I wish I could offer more than good vibes, but that’s I know to give.