Ever feel like you’ve melted into a groove? Not quite a well-oiled machine, but life is pretty manageable. And then you get that cosmic curve ball where all of the sudden your day-to-day is immersed in something bigger. Something you didn’t quite have planned. Most of you are out there shaking your head. This is life, right? The Universe constantly challenges us.
For parents of gender diverse kids, it’s a little more than the usual parent revelations like, “Oh, Billy needs braces. I didn’t see that coming.” It’s legal name changes and Tanner stages and pediatric endocrinologists. And choices. Choices that alter your child’s path in this world. Big stuff.
Last week Hope mentioned that she wanted to make it so that she and other people only saw her name on all documents. Translated – legal name change. Most people look at me funny when I explain that we haven’t gone through this yet. Like it’s on the gender diverse kids checklist, whatever that is (but if you see one, email me 
Some people have given me the awkward ‘You don’t practice what you preach!” look when they hear that my child hasn’t legally changed her name to date. Like I’m in some sort of denial about her legal name given at birth.
In our eyes nothing could be farther from the truth. Every single step we’ve taken on this journey with Hope has been instigated by HER. Not me. Not her dad. Not her therapist. Her. So why would we push a name change when it really never was an issue before. Obviously we notice as she is getting older how this will benefit her, passport changes and all, but we’re talking right now in her life. In a weird way, it’s like it never came up so we just listened for her cues.
Let’s face it, an 8 year old isn’t going to be so savvy announcing that she’s ready for a legal name change. Although who knows, some may request it if their friends have gone through legal name changes. Hope’s friends haven’t. For the most part they were fortunate to all have gender ambiguous names to start with. So she opened the conversation with the fact that she hears her old name at the doctor’s office and when she sees the insurance cards and such and she doesn’t want that. She wants her real name 24/7, 365, forever. This new piece of info led to a pretty lengthy discussion about what a legal name change means and what it takes.
Despite not wanting people to discuss her private life openly in court, she’s game. And so are we. Now to the next task of researching, collecting information and compiling letters and legal help. If you have knowledge in this area, comment here or email me at Jen@JenniferCarrBooks.com. The more I know the better this experience will be for all of us.
Trust me, I’m not complaining. This is life and I’m particularly grateful for it. If this is the next step for my child to feel right in her skin, to feel completely whole, I’m in. Let’s go to court.
Wow. Name changes are pretty straight-forward in most states – file papers, get court date, get judgement and then get papers. The therapist should have the information for you, and for children it probaby has to be filed by the parents. After that, it’s just letters with copies of court orders.
I would council about the health insurance to check if they include or exclude coverage for “sex transformations” which is the usual language, and the name change may raise a flag to review her file or deny coverage if they do exclude coverage. The doctor can change their files but keep the insurance name the same if it’s a problem until they change the coverage or it’s not a problem.
Personally I would make a checklist of what it takes for a name change and then all the places the name has to be changed. Almost like an address change, just a new person in the old place. After birth certificate, school records and insurance company, where else would her name be filed for herself or on your records?
Not much help. It will be a good reality lesson for her, and you of course. I wish you and Hope good luck.
You are always a help Scott. The tricky part in this whole legal name change business is getting the requirement for the ad in the paper waived. Since Hope is stealth, and may choose to continue to remain stealth as she gets older, we want to avoid anything that is easily searchable on the internet. I know you could just about find anything out these days, but we might as well try to approach it in a mindful way and consider our options. I feel like everything else will seem like busy work compared to this feat. I keep reminding myself that it gets us closer to our truth and that’s always a good thing, even if you have to put in a little extra effort. My Best- Jen
At Gender Spectrum I attended a legal workshop, and it is usually easier for children to get the news ad requirement waived because they are stealth – however you have to prove that there is imminent harm should the ad go out (likely with established threats, etc). Another option is that it’s very likely to put in a pure paper ad in a small local newspaper – these never get online, and yes it exists, but it’s hardly searchable. Contact some of the attorneys from the conference (or email me and I’ll hunt down their info – some are in SF or LA if that helps).
That’s a great idea Maddox! I contacted Kim Pearson from TYFA & she suggested getting a lawyer. You are so wonderful to offer to help me with that!! Thankfully after this post I have emails pouring in with local lawyer contacts & I’m pursuing them today. I’m so grateful. Thank you again!!!
My Best- Jen