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acceptance, activism, balance, community, coping, education, family, fear, friends, future, gender fluid, gender identity, gender variance, healing, hiding, inspiration, joy, kids, love, self awareness, stealth, strength, transgender, transition
I’m thrilled to announce that Be Who You Are is finally available for purchase!
Such a long lesson in patience my friends, but isn’t that the way life leads us where we need to go? Recently I met with a lovely reporter who interviewed me months ago about the book and commented that I seemed much more at ease now. I had to admit to her that I didn’t know how I’d feel when the book was released. Would I summon the courage necessary to charge forward and spread this powerful message? Would I feel exposed on some basic level and feel paralyzed to move forward? I didn’t know. I was still thinking.
On one hand I feel like a warrior, ready to talk, discuss and educate, even with those people who do not agree with our perspective. On the other hand I feel like it is a giant leap, especially when I try to keep our real names and identities unknown. I think most families with gender non-conforming kids, especially those that have transitioned may feel this way. Visibility vs. Invisibility. Ever since Hope’s transition and I started writing this blog I have stepped back in many aspects of my life. I needed to. I abandoned my former career, a certain level of notoriety and even some friends that made my social circle as wide open as I wanted. I went from being in the center to walking away. Gladly.
During this time I’ve done some serious soul-searching, seeking awareness, even enlightenment, as I open myself to every single thing that scares me. While keeping my children safe was my primary focus during the hiatus, I think I took the chance to get away myself, just to think. I look back at all those mornings on the beach this summer when I watched those two carefree souls frolicking and splashing. I know now that I was gearing up. I was charging the battery. Getting strong. All that together time made us closer than ever and we needed it, probably more than we’ll ever know. I needed to be quiet in my thoughts for some time to really feel through what it was that I was after. Define what I was called to do.
Now I sit on my living room couch gazing at wood in the hearth just begging for fire. I feel like that wood, ready for the spark. Ready to begin. I know what I’m after – to tell our story, to raise awareness, to make this world a better place for my children and all children. I’ve had my time to think and rest, and now I’m ready to get to work.
Thanks for the heads up with regard to the book..hopefully after the holidays I will afford myself a copy..
The whole invisible vs visible thing was taken out of my hands by my transgirl who doesn’t mind sharing her reality.
She doesn’t know the world like I do.
But I want her to be unashamed…so I table my rational fears…don my special t-shirt that states “my kid is transgender…if that’s a problem for you…get help” and prepare for inevitable fights.
Luckily we homeschool or there would certainly be more issues..but it is down to me to let her be who she is…and be aware of puberty beforehand so as to start her regimen of testosterone blockers and cross gender hormones.
For now she gets to simply enjoy being a girl…and I get to stand in awe of her growing into a young lady.
That is so lovely Pasupatidasi! I love that your daughter expresses herself freely & without reserve. And tell me where you get the t-shirt because I need it!! Puberty is such a big issue. I have already finished my 2nd book, about bullying, but feel called to do the 3rd about puberty and how a transchild experiences it. I wish there was some magic handbook on Tanner stages so I could wrap my head around it now. Tell me if you find anything out there, will you? And keep in touch. I was so glad to see your comment and feel such a sense of community when I hear about other parents doing the same type of advocacy for their child. Thank you. Best- Jen
Congratulations on the book!
I appreciate your support Capital Mom!! Best- Jen
Congratulations on your book! Thanks for following your heart and educating the world about our children.
Thank you Mary- I know I’m just one voice in the crowd, but I know if one story is told another will come. Soon our kids will be better understod and free to express themselves without fear or retribution. I can see that day coming. My Best- Jen
Congratulations, Jen!
I’ve been waiting for your book for some time. Since I have not told my two sisters about who I am, I feel this book could be very useful, to help explain how I feel, on a child’s level. Thank you so much! I’ll be sure to buy one, this book means so much to me. Best of luck with the book series, and with your life with your two darling children.
My personal apologies for the personal rant that follows:
If you want what it feels like for a transgirl, firsthand, to go through puberty, let me know. If you respond, and are interested, I’ll give you a good e-mail address to contact me at, not the one I gave to post this message at.
Granted, my parents, while accepting, were not so accepting as you are with Hope. This is partly my fault, I told them at age 16, but also theirs, nothing has been done to prevent testosterone running through my system for 23 months since then.
Because of this, I went (and still go) through constant cries, blows, and pains of masculinity. With each little detested change from the first facial hair, to voice dropping, blackness draped me like a black cloak, not only metaphorically, but in my attitude, becoming pessimistic and closed off from others. Forgive me for the detail on this, but there were and still are multiple suicidal attempts, many a night I would try to smother or choke myself.
Even at 18, I am still traumatized. Hormones are on their way soon, around early next year. I am so glad I had a very late puberty (finished up at age 17), which means I’ll likely get stronger results with hormones. Regardless, I get shivers at any reminder of what I nightmare I experienced- that pain will never die, no matter how high my estrogen be, or whenever I get my vagina (that’s when Dreams Come True for me!). Those moments may be bliss, yes, but nobody can deny their past, even if we deny it to others.
I’m guessing you want the happy teenage girl story, right? Well, it’s your choice, of course, but, sad as the reality is, that option is not the most realistic, from firsthand experience. If I were you, I’d make two copies of the book: one book featuring the happiness and joy, through the correct female puberty. The other would focus on how the dreaded male puberty brings someone down, and how withdrawn and out of touch with society, having no friends/support, we can feel, all because of one little hormone. Puberty is odd enough for most of general society, now imagine that strangeness 10-fold. This hold especially true if you identify as straight female, like I do: imagine people called you gay, but you know you were just reacting to any man as a normal woman would.
The Tanner Stages can be found here, since you were interested, with diagrams I think it explains them clearly: http://healthvermont.gov/family/toolkit/tools%5CJ-1%20CARD%20Tanner%20Stages.pdf
Sorry to be such a downer, Jen, but, this post, right here, is what puberty feels like.
Thank you so much Dreams Come True!! It’s never a downer. It’s real life my dear. We all need to hear your stories and those like it to get into our heads what the experience is like. I can see in the future that trans stories will be a part of our culture much like the LGB stories are becoming a part of “normal” life. The time is coming. Thank you for putting your story out there and inspiring us to understand and love more than before. Best- Jen