Tags
coping, family, fear, gender identity, gender variance, self awareness, self expression, transgender
Just found out that someone made a very hurtful and disgusting joke about my daughter at a family get together when we weren’t around. The parent patted the little hater on the head with a smirk and a giggle as always. When I heard about it I had to sit back and think.
The person who made the joke isn’t aware of proper social boundaries, nor is it likely they will ever learn given their environment. The nature of the joke just shows how ignorant the person is about my child’s life. Comparing my 6-year-old little girl to adult gay men really isn’t cutting edge humor, now is it?
Ironic thing is that this young person has their share of (often socially judged) eccentricities. (Glass houses, if you ask me.) Perhaps it is their deep-seated feeling of being different that makes them prey on others? You’d think both parties would have a bigger heart, but no.
There’s two ways to go with this, at least in my mind. We can internalize their words and become haters, so slighted by living a path that is a little difficult and isolating at times that we lose sight of our humanity. We can choose to spew frustrations out on others both weak and small to gain a little head way in the power department. I could teach my children to disguise whatever it is about them that makes them either seem or feel different to achieve the glorious honor of fitting in with the rest of the group. That’s one way to look at it.
The other path is to feel compassion for the person and their parent. They are obviously grossly misinformed. When they are so many intelligent and inspiring viewpoints in the world why focus on words so small-minded and damaging? We can choose to move beyond the words and see people for who they are – the good, the bad and the ugly. Doesn’t mean that I will ever subject my children to their hatred and cruelty, but I can move past anger and betrayal. They are living a life motivated by fear. That’s where the joke and the corresponding laughter comes from – Fear. Dress it up in any fancy clothes and call it what you like, but I know what it is. And I want no part of it.
I’ve never known what to say to or do with people like that. I’m not good a reacting or persuasive arguments to teach them, and usually just say something to the effect of, “Your joke was inappropriate and NOT appreciated.”, and, maybe, “If you want to make a joke, use your own family.” And then walk away, not talking to them for a long time, if ever.
It was harder when I was a supervisor and had to speak to them, since under the law it’s the feelings of the joke by others that’s the threshold for action. It doesn’t matter how innocuous the joke seemed, if someone was offended, then the joke was unwarranted and the individual counseled if not warned.
But in the end, I’ve learned there are people who, despite anyone’s best effort to teach or persuade them, won’t change. Their self-hate must be overwhelming to use others to feel better about themselves. I often wonder if insensivity is a genetic trait. Good luck with your situation. Sorry I not much help.
Scott- You always help, remember that. I am always inspired an educated by your thoughts. Best – Jen
That’s the problem with most adults, they sexualize everything, even the actions or behaviours of children. In this case, they even taught the child to have the same line of thought. What does gay men have to do with children? This is just sad…..
Thanks for your support Sherlyn!! Best- Jen
Brady- It’s interesting. My kids have such big hearts an always have. They rush to the side of the underdog and see justice as everyone’s right. I was the same type
of kid and so was my sister. I have to think more about what you said. I get the evolutionary aspect but then there is experience. Kids have the capacity for more. More love. More empathy. More humanity. More. I’ll keep thinking about it. Best- Jen
Well, as my reply said “very few” children can pull that off. Back when I was around that age, I had kids in my classes that were the ones who would run to the new people, the ones who would accept anyone, and the ones who would go out of their way to help.
That can and does happen, but it is far from the norm. Based on the same evolution argument, I can say two things 1. You’re either the next link in the furthering of a more empathetic human being, or 2. You just got good genes in that particular area.
Either way, you and your children are very lucky, and I’m glad you were able to pass good judgement down to them.
Being one of the kids with many eccentricities growing up, I can tell you that, at that young age, there is very little thought about being accepting. Despite what your parents might tell you to convince you otherwise, very few young children can put aside their own driving need for acceptance from the larger population and actually be kind to people different from them.
Children look for differences that set them apart; that’s what humans are programmed to do; it’s an evolutionary thing. Having a common target for bullying or insults is a coping mechanism for them. It’s twisted, hurtful, and just mean… but that’s the way it is.
The brain of a small child is not designed for empathy unless severe, life-changing circumstances take place early on in their lives; that type of an awakening to the world usually comes much later, when you wish to god you could have done things differently.
Maybe the only solace to that argument is that, when the children grow into adults, they look back on their life and all the stuff they did to people just as different as they were, and become very tolerant and accepting for the next generation.
At least that’s what happened with me; I can only speak for myself.
Brady
Indeed, I agree whole heartedly that fear and ignorance are indeed responsible for the vast majority of hate and violence in the world today. Children learn a great deal from the examples set by their parents. Hope has a very positive example being set for her. Unfortunately other children are not nearly so fortunate. Never forget that living ones truth openly, honestly is very empowering and is a far better path than pretending to be who we are not.
Thanks Cheryl. There was a boy that attended class a couple times through the session and I thought that was so cool. Hope and I had a bunch of meaningful conversations about his desire to dance and his courage to be in an all girls class. It was a great way to deconstruct what we all think of as ballet- only a woman’s sport. Sadly, he stopped coming to class. No one exactly knew why but I hope it was to attend an even better class that catered to all children no matter what their gender, or background for that matter. I try to teach the kids that we don’t have to see boundaries between boys and girls. I hope that in the future my son and daughter will be offered the same classes and the options will be wide open for everyone. Best- Jen
Sadly our family has no problem belittling Chris. In our case education simply is not going to do anything for closed minds. We had to make the choice to simply stay away from family functions. Those family members that are accepting are welcomed at OUR family functions.
I wish there was an easy answer for ignorance. I just find it amazing that gender is so attached to sexuality. I have actually had moms refused to have their kids on the playground with Chris for fear they kids might ” become ” gay…it is just unreal.