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coping, friends, future, gender identity, gender variance, hormones, kids, love, research, science, self awareness, self expression, studies, The Transgender Child, transgender, transition
Now that (some) parents are embracing their children’s true gender identity, be that trans, gender fluid or gender queer, how do the studies performed in the past stay relevant to our society?
This weekend our play date group for gender variant kids met and while the kids were busy playing and crafting, the parents had a welcome opportunity to talk about what happened in the past month since we saw each other, ask questions and share thoughts. Although I love the fact that the kids have each other, I am filled with a deep sense of gratitude for the support of these fellow parents.
Who else understands this life parenting a trans or gender variant child (and their siblings)? No one. It’s like a deep sigh of relief when our group gets together. They get where I am coming from without judgment and their shared experiences give me so much to think about. This past get together was no exception.
After settling in we talked about a philosophy where some parents do not transition their child at all. Rather they explain to the outside world that their child identifies as the other gender and that’s it. If they were born a boy, they stay living as a boy. The rest of us cocked our head as if we needed more. This philosophy (someone email me the real name so I am not disrespectful) contends that 80% of all (let’s just use) trans girls, meaning affirmed girls who were born in boy bodies, actually grow up to be homosexual males. Now I felt my eyes squinting as if the information could sink in quicker if they narrowed. Huh?
The philosophy is that very early on (ages 3-4 or so) homosexual men are socialized to learn what men in society are looking for- women. So these little boys emulate women because that is the object of desire for men. Once puberty hits and the surge of hormones manifest biological changes to these little boys (who previously identified as female) they start to understand that they, in fact, desire other men. When they identify with a group of males who desire other males, the female persona, if you will, is no longer needed and fades away.
I consider myself an open person, but I think my mouth hung open. What? It wasn’t that I didn’t believe what the parent was explaining, but that it put my whole transgender child philosophy on it’s ear. (I think that’s what any good conversation can do) My mind raced. How do they know which children are trans and which are homosexual? What are the signs? At what ages? How do you protect the well being of your child while allowing their TRUE gender identity and sexual orientation unfold naturally? So many questions!
First, I had to ask about hormone blockers. My daughter is petrified of growing up to be a man or as she puts it “looking like Daddy” with his hairy arms, beard and legs. She used to run to me crying about the fact that she can’t be a man, pleading for help so that she doesn’t have to be. Our answer is/was to give her hormone blockers when the time is right to simply delay puberty until she was ready to make more permanent decisions. This way she would not have the surge of male hormones that will create lasting secondary sexual characteristics such as an Adam’s apple, strong lines in the jaw area, etc. Hypothetically if we were to consider the philosophy discussed at the play date we would not give our child hormones and see what happens naturally.
As I tried to process the information, I thought about the countless children and young adults who commit suicide after puberty hits. They simply cannot endure the changes brought on by adolescence because it feels so wrong to them. Many become clinically depressed, socially withdrawn. This doesn’t sound like they are figuring out they are gay. This sounds like they are being held hostage in the wrong body. So if the statistics are true and there is a possibility of the child actually being gay instead of trans, a parent would want that child to have the chance to develop into the person they naturally are. Does that mean that blockers could stifle their true identity? Or do blockers allow the child to have the time to develop naturally? How do parents know which road to take as the age of puberty looms around the corner? Blockers or no blockers? My mind became fuzzy.
Where is the research? How old is the data and the stats that we are talking about? Now that there are trans kids in society does the same old data still apply? And who is studying these children and creating new data? I am lucky to know a local therapist who is starting to do just that. (I’ll share more as the organization is ready) I just have to wonder with all these important changes taking place across the world, how many studies are being conducted and what are they finding out?
I would guess the person is citing research that looked at all gender variant children without differentiating the (potential) gay kids and gender queer/variant kids from the (potential) transkids. The folks at the CAMH (Zucker, etal) cite similar numbers, under the same reasoning. But when you distinguish and seperate the groups, almost all the transkids grow up to transistion later in life, if they don’t early in life.
It’s how they defend reparative therapy as a tool to dissuade kids from being transgender, showing it works with a high percentage. Except they weren’t or aren’t transgender, just gay, genderqueer or gender explorers. So, in their view, if the high percentage works to normalize children from being transgender, then it works for all children. As they say, “Yeah, right.”
It’s why they also defend forestalling hormone blockers, so the child gets into puberty to verify they’re really serious in their innate sense of being, by hating and often hurting themselves, but then it’s too late to stop some change, often with mentally devasting results to the child. They forget their oath, “First do no harm.”
The other issues with the data are that it’s either decades old, subjective or biased to the researchers conclusions, usually supporting the traditional view prohibiting kids to live as they know they are and start their transistion. Several therapists and professionals, as you note, now see this and are ignoring it for its obvious failures and looking at the children and working with parents to find the best solution for the child.
The hardest thing, as you have discovered and keep discovering, is being open to the child being themselves. They know who they are and they love to explore the world. It’s how they learn about the world and themselves. That’s when parents usually try to control things, and almost always with disasterous effects on the child. When the child quits exploring, then they’ve given up trying. While parents will see a “normal” child, the child is simply hiding and biding their time in silence.
The child doesn’t know anytihing else that doesn’t cause hate or violence against them. I pity the child who’s parents say, “You’re not that and you can’t be that. Or I’ll…” And the child doesn’t answer, but minds and behaves as expected. Been there, done that.
Scott- I really apreciate what you said.
As a parent I challenge myself everyday to stay open with my kids. Some days I am better than others. Control is an issue with me, always has been, and I see the harm clearly when it comes to kids. My father was very controlling and created fear around even simple tasks. I walked on eggshells for years. Even after he died I held myself to impossible standards because I embodied that goal of perfection. I never wanted that for my children.
Part of this journey feels like I am letting go of “knowing” and allowing things to happen naturally. I can’t control who my children are or how they feel. I can only love and support both them and me. That has to be enough.
It is the same with fearing or trying to plan for what happens in the future. It will happen. And we will deal with it when it does. I think for the first time in my life I am done with pre planning for disaster. Instead of wearing
my armour everyday (so exhausting) I will stay light and navigate as need be.
As always your words soothe my mind and allow
me to think larger than I am. Many, many thanks & best wishes- Jen
Remember the ocean. And realize that it is only possible to see the top of the building after you have climbed the ladder. One rung at a time. You will see the landscape when you get there. It will be clear and it will be beautiful! The best way to avoid panic and anxiety is by keeping your whole self on the rung that youre on.
Sharon- I can’t tell you how many times I have thought of that very image. You are absolutely right. Maybe I’ll tattoo that message next!
One step at a time. Thanks for being such a wonderful communicator, supporter and inspiration. My Best- Jen
The observation is true to some extent, the causality unknown. Yes, 2 in 3 children who exhibit persistent cross-gendered play turn out to be gay rather than trans.
But when there’s other factors involved – such as a fear of going through puberty, the cross-gendered play lasting for longer than 2 years, and especially if it persists to age 10 – then 100% are trans. Even Zucker acknowledges that.
Thanks for the great info Zoe. I was so happy to hear some more facts on this. I was not aware of Zucker’s agreement on behavior past 10 yrs of age. I am always reading about trans issues (amassing a little library by the armloads), but I haven’t focused on Zucker’s philosophy since I do not agree with the basic concepts. Always good to know what is happening out there. Best- Jen
I can’t help but think that a chunk of the problem is that people can’t actually recognize transgenderism. It’s not that these children who grow up to be homosexual men are trans girls- we just assume they are. Even in adults- many trans people find themselves having to lie to the therapists and doctors to get the treatment they need. Most lay people don’t even know that there IS a difference between transgendered women and gay men. If we don’t even know how to accurately recognize transgenderism in ADULTS, what chance do we have with children who don’t have the same understanding of gender as we do? I believe Scott pointed that out as well.
If when Hope’s a teenager and there are any doubts- I believe that the standards of care suggest allowing a child to start going through puberty a bit before starting blockers. Not enough to do serious damage, but generally people find out very quickly how they feel about it. It’s the same with hormones- by the time estrogen does any irreversible damage, you KNOW if it’s the right choice or not. Obviously this shouldn’t be used as a diagnostic tool alone, but if Hope shows any sign of uncertainty when she’s a teenager, it’s an option.
I feel like the message for me is that life is about being present and allowing the future to be just that- the future. There isn’t a handbook for life or parenting. (I forget that sometimes!) Each day I learn how to embrace my children for exactly who they are and to celebrate them. Best- Jen
Not being trans or being well-acquainted with a trans-person myself I can’t say what is right, but that theory sounds so flawed to me. I believe if my child was pretty sure they were in the wrong body, I’d probably allow the hormone blockers. Blockers just stop puberty at all for a while–it doesn’t mean they can’t be stopped for someone to revert to their birth-gender and it doesn’t mean that they can’t continue on as the gender they are transitioning to. I think the blockers allow a couple of years of better safe than sorry for a very serious decision. I read about a girl who is gender fluid, and she remains on blockers well into her teen years because she is not ready to have secondary traits of either gender. Blockers sound like a godsend for these situations, in my opinion. Blockers themselves are not a permanent change.
Thanks Ella!
It’s wonderful to see someone who isn’t well-acquainted with trans people be that open-minded.
I do agree. I’ve seen some people say “We don’t know what long term effects blockers will have”- but I don’t really know if they’d have any. I know someone who, naturally, didn’t start puberty until well into their 20s because they were intersexed- and I don’t think there were any negative long-term effects. I don’t know how blockers work, but I’d assume it’d be the same as if you had a late puberty naturally. (obviously I’m not a doctor, though, so take that with a grain of salt)
Thanks ChartreuseFlameThrower! One of the parents at our group said that sterility occurs when blockers are used. Despite that we are still planning on blockers if she feels the same way as she does now. My daughter would either sink into a deep depression or harm herself if she started to develop male characteristics. I cannot harm her that way. She deserves the time to make decisions and we’ll all know when the time is right. Always good to talk with you!! Best- Jen
I am a (now retired) psychologist. I believe that the data cited claiming that 80% of these kinds of children will end up being gay men are from a very outdated study of “feminine boys.”
If that is the research behind these claims, it was not based upon a sample of young tg children. And, therefore, it is not valid to generalise this study to tg children.
It seems that this particular study is most often cited these days for political reasons–i.e. to discourage parents from recognising that their children are indeed transgendered and should be raised in the gender that matches their identity.