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balance, coping, family, fear, friends, future, gender identity, gender variance, grief, healing, hiding, sadness, strength, transgender, transition
A friend emailed me today and told me that she didn’t send us an invite to her party because she didn’t want Hope to feel obligated to go when Hope isn’t ready. My first reaction is that it’s impossible to know what Hope is ready for without asking her. I felt slighted. Cheated. I jumped to the conclusion that the friend was the one who wasn’t ready to accept the scrutiny of others when they find out Hope transitioned her gender. My friend was the one who wasn’t ready and just didn’t have the guts to say it. I sat here disgusted… putting her hang-ups on a six year old like it’s my daughter’s fault that she and her brother are left out of important get togethers. Then I was fuming.
Instead of going on the attack, I tried something new. I took a moment to find out where this anger is coming from. Feeling left out, I guess. Both my feeling of being left high & dry and the fear that because my daughter is trans that she’ll be left out just the same. Maybe the fear that they really don’t accept us. That they wouldn’t really go to bat for us if they can’t handle a simple birthday party. Abandonment has a special hold on me at times and floods my judgment with instant panic. So breathe, Jen, breathe.
Maybe, just maybe, this isn’t just about me or my child. Maybe this person needs some extra time and can’t say so. Maybe some of the people at the party disagree with Hope’s transition or simply can’t understand. It wasn’t long ago that these friends finally came around to even seeing us and now a big party could feel a little daunting. Perhaps this is her way of protecting Hope? Can I be a little patient? Can I be big enough to put the shoe on the other foot and see from a different perspective? If my child came to me with the same issue, how would I suggest they handle it? Can I practice what I preach?
Sure, I want things to go on like normal because that’s how life feels. Still, I have to honor where people are at and what they can and can’t accept at this time. Truth be told, I know in my heart that attending the party isn’t in the cards for us. No matter what excuse is used or how it is communicated, it isn’t meant to be- plain and simple.
Hey Jen, April Rose here. So now the energy thickens over the whole issue of ‘acceptability’ and ‘appropriateness. Goddess do I hate those words.
As I read your letter I walked in Hope’s shoes. I can’t even count the number of awkward social occasions during which I just wanted to crawl in a hole and die. Some of those times I knew that my parents were ashamed of me. It left me with permanent scars.
My life was built on abandonment. It’s part of me. Abandonment and rejection…over and over and over.. Being Trans in this world would be easier to handle if transition got easier as it goes instead of harder.
When we are young, society tends to heap judgment on the parents. But as an adult I had no one to shield me from a difficult truth: Most people in global society are conditioned over the course of a life to think the way they are told to think.
And therefore, when they do express some vacillation or negative emotion, they are simply responding to the voices in their heads…voices of the establishment. So in that regard their opinions are meaningless.
People don’t know or can’t understand the trials and tribulations of growing up Trans. And as a global society, they seem generally comfortable with their ignorance. But isn’t that the way it always is?
As a post op fully transitioned Trans Woman, I have kept my life and my sanity with a philosophy that I reasoned out based on my experiences as a social pariah. A view from outside the Dream has been very useful to me in understanding what happens during moments like you just had with the party.
Anger at societal ignorance will make you bitter if not very depressed from holding it in and trying to look normal.
I have finished my web site. My philosophy describes a psychic survival mechanism for Trans people in distress. My philosophy will not make me friends in the Trans-community. But I did not write it for others approval. I wrote it as a testament to my insight as a Two Spirits person.
It’s called AWAKEN from the DREAM’. And refers to the totality of the conditioned mind which always seeks to maintain its illusion of duality.
Here it is…. http://02f0972.netsolhost.com/
I would love your impression.
Be srtong in your heart. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. I AM WITH YOU IN SPIRIT
April Rose
BTW I like parts of Buddhist religion myself. But they don’t recognize the legitimacy of transgenderism. Some compassion!
April Rose- I will check your site out. And I relate go what you said about society speaking through their actions & fears. It makes sense. How do you know that Buddhism doesn’t acknowledge transgender individuals? I am
interested in finding out. As always, I truly appreciate hearing what you think. I am
grateful. My best- Jen
Hi Rebecca- I appreciate you sharing your story with me. I trying to see both sides but it’s hard. I know these aren’t people with bad intentions. In fact, I love them. But love doesn’t mean that your feelings don’t get hurt or that you can’t feel disappointed sometimes. It’s all natural. I just wish that people (me included) could say exactly what we mean. But we aren’t trained to do that. Are we? I am sending my good thoughts your way- Jen
Hi Jen, thanks for inquiring as to veracity of my general statement. Your inquiry forced me to do some more research beyond my general impression over decades of listening to the general rumblings of two communities on the verge of a merge. First I found this humorous blurb on some forum:
‘Etiquette guide’ for Thai monks
QUOTE
A Buddhist preacher in Thailand has announced plans for new guidelines aimed at curbing the flamboyant behaviour of gay and transgender monks.
The “good manners” curriculum – the country’s first – is being introduced in the northern province of Chiang Rai.
The senior monk told the BBC he was particularly concerned by effeminate activities among novices such as the wearing of make-up and tight robes.
More than 90% of the Thai population are followers of Buddhism.
The BBC’s Jonathan Head in Bangkok says tales of monks behaving badly are nothing new in Thailand.
In recent years, they have been accused of abuses of their exalted position in society that range from amassing dozens of luxury cars, to running fake amulet scams, to violating their vows of celibacy, our correspondent says.
Senior monk Phra Maha Wudhijaya Vajiramedhi told the BBC he would address issues like smoking, drinking alcohol, walking and going to the toilet properly, which are all detailed in the traditional 75 Dharma principles of Buddhism, and the 227 precepts for monks.
He was especially concerned, he said, by the flamboyant behaviour of gay and transgender monks, who can often be seen wearing revealingly tight robes, carrying pink purses and having effeminately-shaped eyebrows.
Thailand has a very large and visible population of transgender men, and Phra Vajiramedhi acknowledged that it was difficult to exclude them from the monkhood but he hoped his course could at least persuade them to curb their more extrovert habits.
If successful, the “good manners” course, at the Novice Demonstration School, would be replicated at other Buddhist monasteries and seminaries, he said. ”
OMG Monks wearing make-up? What’s da world coming to?
I know believe it is more accurate to say that the whole issue of Tlgb people has caused widespread conflict in the many diverse groups of Buddhist sanghas.
Ever since the end of communal society, and thus the Goddess concept, men have wrested control of organized religion and turned God [whatever that is] to a male icon. i always say “If God’s a man, it explains the messy state of the world, since men have an allergy to housework.”
Apparently the
Dalai Lama, supreme politician that he is has flip flopped on the issue. After all, he IS a man first. I personally could care less what the Lama says. For he believes, like every other believer on the planet, in a male dominated hierarchy. This, to me simply invalidates their perspective.
Isn’t interesting that both Christ and the Dali Lama get more credit than the mother’s who bore them? That oversight has led to our current imbalance in the YinYang of the world.
Whoops, I slipped into my rant. Sorry!
Here are some interesting links on the subject:
http://usa.mysocalledgaylife.com/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=2046&Itemid=66
http://transgenderandbuddhism.ning.com/
And now I know why I am confused.
Thanks for fact checking me.
April Rose
As usual April Rose- you gave me lots to think about & I checked out the links. Rant any time!!
My Best- Jen
I agree, breathe, and then breathe again. And again. I often react this with when people do similar things, and it often takes me a few days to feel right about it or them. I often tell folks, if they were asking first how I’d react, I’d say, “Don’t worry, be honest. The worst thing I’ll do is go pout. ”
I learned with the Tao, it’s never about your or anyone else, but about them. People like to make excuses or give reasons when the truth lies within them and they either don’t see it to know or know it and don’t want to say it. Acceptance of their words, when you know there is far more behind and underneath them, is hard. But I’ve learned all my thoughts and feelings won’t change the situation or them. Only, and only maybe, words to say how sorry you (or me as the case was) that the decision was made.
I’ve learned to focus on the act or decision and not the person. They’re one and the same, but separating them helps realize they acted badly or made a bad decision than they are a bad person. We all make mistakes, more so when we don’t see or realize it, until the damage is done and we’re left seeing what we said was so wrong and hurtful.
I had a friend who I lost contact with 30 years ago who I recently found on-line. He asked me why I did something so stupid those 30 years ago (which it was then and still would be) because he said it still hurts. I had long forgotten it, but then found myself realizing words won’t change what I did and what I had done to him.
I didn’t ask for an apology or forgiveness, that was his choice to make, not mine to ask. I did say how stupid I was and didn’t realize it. I did offer words to say why I may have acted then (he transferred out of the unit and spent years overseas without a word and then suddenly showing up expecting to resume our friendship). I was hurt and reacted from that, badly and wrongly. As I know now.
I don’t know if this helps, but I would only suggest to give her time, but also let her know you’re still friends and hope that someday she will invite Hope and you to a future event. Leave the door open on your end. And then breate some more, until it fades into forgetfulness.
How did you get so wise Scott? What led you to Taoism? I always enjoy what you write because hours later I still think about what you said. There is so much healing power in the concepts. It feels like the words I need to hear. I’m so grateful. Best- Jen
Jen, being wise is simple, excercising wisdom is the hard part. It’s easy to know what is right and good, but it’s the hardest thing to do anymore when so few people will see and understand it. We let our own humanity get in the way of our own best intentions and efforts. I’m no diferent, and why I would ask April Rose, as human beings why would expect Buddhist monks to be any different than priests.
I’m on the extreme end of being an introspective person, to the point I’ve mentally and emotionally imploded several times in my life and survived the moments of darkness when suicide was the only answer, or so I thought. I learned it’s an answer but not the answer, and the conditions for another implosion are always a thought away.
That’s because I was also handed the genectic condition of Dysthymia, lifelong chronic depression. It runs in the family going back generations, even including suicides. Taoism has shown and taught me to refocus less on myself and more on my place in the whole scheme of things, described in the saying, “Stand in your space and know you are there.”
And Taoism, along with my interest in geography, has shown and taught me to see, not just the greater whole of things, but connectedness of it, and to see people as individuals, like all people, beset with their own problems and issues, just trying to get by in life in the whole scheme of things.
I’ve learned we’re not the captains of our fate, as many spiritual or religious leaders of all flavors try to tell us, but we’re bounded by the box (time, place, circumstance and situation) of our life and the box of ourselves, our box of bounded rationality (personality, character, temperament and experience).
But that doesn’t limit us from being and doing good for others, but it flavors our thinking, decisions and actions based on who and what we think we are (knowing ourselves is another issue altogether) and what we believe and value. As Einstein might remark, “Good is relative.” Relative to the which side of the words or actions you’re standing.
I’ve ambled around some ideas, and in many ways that’s what Taoism teaches me, to observe without discretion and judgement, to just let the flow of life swirl around me and become aware of as much of it as I can, and then let it sort itself out through my subconscious mind. Remember it all happens whether I’m there or not, so I have the opportunity to see, experience and learn.
And in that you find a sense of being and discover the Tao (or to some God) was always inside your heart and mind, and you need to learn to live, not as God teaches or instructs (much against some religions), but as you know the Tao (or God) is asking of you. As someone said, “You don’t ask God the meaning of life, God is asking you the meaning of your life.” The road and journey is in your thoughts and feelings and the answer is in your being and doing.
It’s the constantly evolving puzzle of our life we only see the finished picture near the end.