My Ultimate Job
There aren’t any easy answers when it comes to gender identity. We all fall somewhere on this spectrum between what has been defined as female and male and no two people are alike. Why do we give so much importance to it then? I guess because that is what we are taught. Define things as black or white, fact or fiction, this or that. It’s hard to get out of actually.
Even though my daughter identifies as a female and wishes to live as a female despite her gender at birth, it doesn’t mean that her journey is the only way. It isn’t as a matter of fact. This is just her way. This is how she feels compelled to live, to be real with herself and others. This is her.
The other day I got around to reading some old emails and found a brochure about a group helping families with gender identity issues. After reading only a couple lines I could see it had a particular angle- let your kids act like the gender they identify with but live as the gender they were born. Translated- if your son feels like a girl inside give him dolls and let him dress the way he wants, but stress he is still male. I get prickly when I get to the “stress he is still male” part. I guess that is not our journey.
When Hope was little we didn’t have a hang up on what toys she played with or wanted. I admit the clothes part is a little harder but we got over it. Sure, it was a shock to our extended family when she wanted a Princess dress for Christmas one year, but it didn’t phase us really. We never had to stress that she was born with a boy’s body. That was reinforced every time she had to line up at class or was called “Buddy” by a cashier or when she took a bath. It was obvious. And it bothered her immensely. For two years she said she felt like a girl inside. Although we asked questions and really listened to her answers, we never pushed her in any direction- boy or girl. We just loved her for everything that she was day after day.
Looking back the moment felt almost natural, but saying it out loud (or writing it) feels funny. How could it be natural for your child to ask to live as the other gender? I can only explain that it was. I’ll never forget those big tears in her eyes, the courage welled up inside when she told me that she had to live as herself from now on. She had to go to school and live as a girl. She had to.
For me, that was the moment when I learned the meaning of parenting and of love. I was faced with the choice of embracing my daughter for who she truly was or forcing her to be someone she was not. I had to let go of what I knew to be the “safe road” and truly embrace my child for exactly who she is- a girl inside. This is our journey.
Sometimes people email me and ask me if their child or family member is transgender and my answer is always “Only they know.” After all that we’ve been through and all I have read and learned I still don’t have any magical insight. No answers or formulas or anything that would ease our minds into knowing “for sure”. Each person knows who they are in their heart and it will unfold as it will. Not as comforting as a checklist, but I believe it to be true. The only message I can offer is love, love, love.
People ask what the future will hold and I don’t know that either. “What happens if she goes back to being a boy?” people ask me cautiously as if they just offended me. I tell them the truth- that I don’t know what the future holds. All I can do is meet each day honestly and lovingly no matter what. That is my ultimate job.
Oh My Goddess, Dear adopted Mom, Jan….I’m somewhat speechless, which is rare for me. What a noble person you are. Sensitive, insightful, compassionate with an open heart and mind. What a lucky child you bore.
You love your child so much and have bonded so deeply that you have adopted or internalized the trans-human struggle. No greater act of compassion is possible, for you have truly saved the spiritual life of your child.
I live on the fringe of culture and society. I did not choose to be on the outside. I was placed there by pre-existing conditions based strictly on observable genitalia. The fact that we hold this dear, as a global society, is indicative of our dominant animal nature.
You are, as always, right on the money. Gender is the best and most human example of the glory of human diversity. And Gender is specifically a characteristic of human behavior. I know this for a fact because the other day I snuck on my pitbull while he was asleep and dressed him in a PINK TUTU.
He didn’t even bat a doggy eyelash. See….we now have proof. Gender is human.
Outside the context of a devolving culture, full of fear, ignorance and judgment…Gender is one of many playgrounds of the human spirit.
In this society, at long last, Gender demonstrates the potential for the destabilization of a millennium of rigid hierarchical, male dominated, religiously enforced, nuclear family control mechanism that thrives on the suppression of individual expression
“How could it be natural for your child to ask to live as the other gender?”
Because Gender is not an absolute. It is a wide ranging spectrum of creative expression… not simply who we feel ourselves to be, but how this dysfunctional abstraction called society reacts to who we know ourselves to be. And in our case, I often feel like culture would be happy to stomp me into the dust of non existence.
I was never as fortunate as Hope. My first years were a nightmare…but what seemed like a bad dream turned out to be the reality of my life. I knew by the age of ten that I was not like anyone else on the planet. And I knew that the world would try to destroy me if I breathed a word of my truth to anyone…especially my parents.
I had no integrated self upon which to build self esteem. I felt sick, evil…worthless. Only later in life, as I began to look at the contagion we call society, did I realize that it is up to me to determine who I am and what I am worth.
Thank you for reminding me that some rare people are up to this greatest of social challenges…To be true to our inner voice. There is no other way.
And who am I….I am another you.
Love April
Hi April- You are such a strong person and provide so much insight from your experience. I wish it wasn’t like that. I truly do. I wish people wrapped their arms around you and told you that everything was fine. That no matter what you are always loved and beyond that- cherished for who you are. I know it’s a little late but get that message from me right now. You are an unbelievably resilient and loving person.
You bring up such an important point. No one chooses this path. When we met with Hope’s school they asked why she couldn’t just go to school as a boy and live as a girl at home. Like being yourself is something you flick on and off like a light switch. She doesn’t choose to live as herself- a girl. She simply must. Choice is not a part of that.
I am so grateful that you rose above the negative feelings and share your heartfelt experience for others. When people try to tell me that Hope’s gender identity isn’t a big deal and that I should make her live as a boy until she is older and “can really understand” I tell them about the staggering statistics of transgender individuals who commit suicide. How could we possibly ask anyone to be who they aren’t? I ask them how they would feel if they were forced to live as the other gender. Would they know how to feel or act? Would they feel out of place? How would they cope? (Usually they look at me blankly at this part of the conversation, but the point is made.)
Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me. Sending love to you across the miles- Jen
And all that you have said confirms to me that you are indeed a very, very special parent. Both of you in fact. No, you don’t know what the future holds but what is special is that you are not trying to form it yourself, you are not attempting to force the way things should go in the minds of others. You are living your life day by day as is Hope. Who knows what the future holds? One thing is certain, it will be filled with Hope! Lots of love and best wishes
Shirley Anne xxx
Much love to you Shirley Anne- your thoughts always make me smile. I feel such support from you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. xoxo- Jen
What a wonderful perspective. You frame the gender question so well. I have always felt that I could not explain the feeling about gender because everyone has their own built in gender bias. It is nearly impossible to step out of who we are and identify with someone who is gender “variant”. Your writing helps with that so much Thank you.
Sherry
I appreciate that Sherry. Prior to Hope’s awareness I never knew that some of these terms existed or never understood most of them when they were discussed. I credit Gender Spectrum and the book, The Transgender Child (by Stephanie Brill) in opening my eyes to bigger concepts. And then I credit Hope for being the type of child who is able to speak about her feelings and who she is. I can honestly say that I was not that type of child growing up. I am constantly in awe of how self aware she is and it inspires me.
It’s funny someone mentioned to me the other day that little girls HAD to have long hair and boys short hair. I recall her saying “That’s just how it is.” I’m sure my mouth kind of dropped open, me with a short Pixie haircut myself. No, that is not how I believe things to be. And why should we think that way? Why should we perpetuate that thought process, setting up expectations for other children to identify gender by the length of one’s hair. It’s silly. Sorry, little tangent. I guess my point is that this is why I started writing. One- to get the emotions out of my body and into the world. Two- to open hearts and minds. Thanks for making me think that I am getting there. Best- Jen
Again, I am just amazed by your capacity and understanding to love. To parents and adults,the gender of a child is so important. First question to ask about a baby? “Is it a boy or a girl?” And then appropriate reinforcements are given to said baby. Ambiguity is just too much to bear.
I hope that more parents would be blessed with your capacity for love
I agree Sheralyn- I wish that parents could see that there is so much more than the pink and blue conversation (and the domination of thought that happens thereafter). If it weren’t for Hope I would have never made this exploration. For that I will be eternally grateful. She is my beacon of hope- literally. She and Will (my son) teach me more than I’ve experienced in my previous 35 years. I’m compelled to share this love with my readers and the greater world. I am so glad you shared your thoughts here. My Best- Jen
Wow is an understatement for what you write from your perspective and what you see in and with Hope. There is no explanation as to why except, as you note, we are who we are, and everything else just is. That’s what we know. We know our physiciality isn’t what defines us, it’s only the outward expression of our genes. It’s our identity which does that, and as any good child therapist of any academic flavor will say, it’s the one self-diagnosed condition they can’t prove or disprove, only see the expression and behavoir and hear the expressed thoughts and feelings.
It’s great you heard Hope and then let her be who she is. My parents sent my older brother (by 6 years) to tell me I’m not who I am and to live with it. I buried it so deep I almost never found it again. Tha’ts not loving your child, only directing them to your expectations.
I’ve come around to think of gender as a Mobius Strip, male on one side, female on the other, where we’re always a mix of the two, and we naturally, or intentionally, wander down the strip, finding we’re not where we were and just maybe in a place we’re better and happier. And our trip and our gender is fluid as we venture through our life, where the joy isn’t about being fixed or absolute but the journey to explore and discover more of ourself.
Anyway, just some toughts. Thanks for sharing.
Thanks Scott- I have to admit I must look up Mobius Strip, but I like the idea that we are all more fluid than we recognize. I always love your thoughts and they take me to the next level. Keep sending them- they make me think!! Best- Jen
Thanks Jen. Here’s an exercise.
Take a strip of paper, say a half-inch wide and 8-9 inches long. Write male on one side and female on the other side. In the middle on each side draw a line and 50%. On each end write 99% on each side (since no sex is 100% except a few rare girls) and 1% on both sides of the other end. Then twist the strip and connect the ends where the 1% on one side overlaps the 99% on the other. That’s my idea of the Mobius strip of gender. It’s the continuous spectrum and shows anywhere you are you’re both male and female and fluid along each side.