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acceptance, balance, coping, family, future, healing, inspiration, joy, love, memories, sadness, self awareness, strength
Although Hope slipped comfortably into living as her true self, I still struggle with being me, the real me that is. I admit it. Even though friends look at me puzzled when I say that, it’s true. It’s been a slow and steady journey of dismantling my “dog and pony show”, a default mechanism in my personality that shuttles me back to a time when comedy was my 24/7 act. I still revert back to it when I am nervous so I am mindful to bring my heart wherever I go. Infuse my love to whomever I am talking to. To listen when I feel drawn to take over. It probably sounds silly, but it’s a conscious effort- being real.
I have seen a healer and she’s opened my mind. At first I shook my head when she told me my gift was bringing joy. I wanted to shout “I am not all fun and games. I am more than just a joke!” but she already knew that. Without my explanation she reassured me that I don’t need to be anyone other than me. I don’t need to put on an act. I can simply be and my true self is enough. A serious revelation for me.
Looking back I thought people just relied on me for humor. The hilarious story. The clever imitation. Back then when I was simply quiet or deep in thought people would look so disappointed and ask me what was wrong with me. “Where’s the sunshine?” The words just made me angry as if being funny was all I had going for me. I realize now that the reason this situation made me so infuriated is because I actually believed my fears all along. I thought that I would be lonely if I wasn’t laughing and it wasn’t true.
It’s hard to unlearn things, isn’t it? Each time my family fought when I was a kid I thought it was my job to make it right or better yet prevent it from happening at all. As if I was responsible for keeping everyone happy. If I could stay at the top of my game my dad wouldn’t get angry with my sister, my mom wouldn’t yell at my dad and I wouldn’t get in trouble. Like I could fix any of it. It was always such a relief to see everyone laughing. Maybe I thought that the good times would outweigh the bad at some point.
Today I realize that I can love all these different parts of myself: loving person, grateful mother, fierce advocate, clever humorist, playful little girl. All of this is me and I feel ready to shine my light without fear or hesitation. For once I will be sure to bring the joy back to me as I share it with others.
This is a very curious phenomina lately Jen. It appears there are many folk just now who are experiencing this same thing. We all know that we can only be ourselves but the main point is knowing who that self is. You talk aout your past and how you ‘used’ your humour as a weapon against the things that were happening around you that were upsetting. Sometimes it worked and other times perhaps not but it was the only weapon or defence that you had at your disposal. At least it was an active participation and it enabled you to steer clear of introvercy. The real you at that time was protecting it’s existence. Today a similar thing has been happening. You have lived holding a shield to the outside world, protecting yourself by using a ‘front’ when in the company of others. We all do that to some extent, it’s part of our nature. The real you though wants to throw away the shield and allow the world to see who you are. The struggle now is with your feelings of possible rejection by those who see the real you and not the one they expect to see. The false presentation is all a sham of course and needs to be gotten rid of. This takes courage. It is difficult but any problems that exist are those inside the heads of those you meet, not in yours. You have nothing to be ashamed of by wanting to just be yourself. Let that inner light shine out and you may be pleasntly surprised.
Love
Shirley Anne xxx
I appreciate your thoughts Shirley Anne- you are right about courage. I feel like I am getting stronger every day. Much Love & Best Wishes, Jen
Jen, the fun you is really fun there is no doubt. But the unsure, questionning you is adorable. And the scared you is lovely and human. And the fierce u is wonderfully protective. And the sad you and the shiny you and the intelligent you and the so on and so make you a unique and fabulous friend. Giving your whole self is a gift…one that I treasure. Thanks for being you delightful you!
Thanks Sharon for being such a strong and bright support in my life. Makes all the difference. My Best- Jen