A Spiritual Home
Yesterday I had an hour free before I had to pick up the kids from school. I finished my errands early and tried to decide whether to jump into a design magazine that would turn my mind into consumer jelly or pop by the Buddhist Center nearby. I had my eye on the Center for about a year and it seemed laughable that I’d never gone in.
Ironically it is the same center (different location) that a friend took me to in 1992 when I had a life crisis and needed help. There I learned to chant nam myoho renge kyo and quiet the bear inside me (or at least that’s what I used to say). I’m not exactly sure how I drifted away from the practice or even why. I recall being intimidated by Gongyo (it went so fast and I felt so awkward) but was that feeling strong enough to tear me away from chanting too? (And what was my bear doing now I wondered.)
Perhaps this same fear is what kept me sitting outside the Center in my car yesterday, just staring and wondering. It felt like I was going on my first blind date at a restaurant I’ve never been to. Was I at the right place? Would I know who he was? Would I like the food? What did it look like inside? Somehow the unknown kept me at bay like a child staring at a toy store that had closed ten minutes prior.
I never went in. I got an important call that took me in another direction. Wasn’t the right time I guess. Lately I’ve had the strong desire to find a spiritual outlet, a home if you will. Both for me and the kids. I raised them with a Golden Rule mentality, but no focused religion or group to call our own. These days (and after reading Eat, Pray, Love) I feel called to share my beliefs and values with others and move toward a greater spiritual connection. But how?
It’s been decades since I came to the realization that Catholicism didn’t speak my language. The ritual is one thing, but my heart is another. I was raised by two strict Roman Catholic parents who counted on my being Catholic. Shortly after my dad passed away, it all kind of fell to pieces. Since the mass reminded my mother of my father, most Sundays were spent in tears and painful regurgitations of his death. When I tried to attend mass as an adult, I finally listened to the words, not just go through the motions. It wasn’t for me.
That is how religion/ spirituality has been with me over the years. I sit in the stands watching (and admiring) from a distance, but never getting up close and personal. What do I think I’ll find if I go searching? Why so much fear? I’ve come so far lately- finding my voice, opening up to a new awareness, tapping into a newfound sense of courage and honesty. Perhaps tomorrow I will take a deep breath, open my mind and just walk right in.
You need a spiritual home Jen because you are a spirit being. We all are. You are searching, something many of us do, sadly some never find their spiritual home. You say you were brought up in the Catholic tradition but find no solace there. I can understand that for reasons I won’t go into here. For most of my own life I had no spiritual home but I searched. For me it was more being directed because He who ‘found’ me was my maker. I found Jesus, not religion. I had been a vehement atheist until I was 43 and found to my amazement becoming a Christian. You can read my story on my blog, if you haven’t done so already. There are many ‘religions’, many ‘faiths’, many belief systems but none of them point to a spiritual home but point to the inner self. Only one promises salvation. I do not wish to preach, that would be wrong to do especially on someone else’s blog! However what I will say is that there is a vast difference between religion and actually knowing Christ Jesus as your saviour. For me you can keep Islam, Budhism, Hinduism and all the other faiths and even Christian ‘denominations’. None of them know the whole truth. There is too much influence from mankind in them. I am at peace with myself and with my Maker and have no need of anything else. When you find the truth you will know it. I hope you find that spiritual home you are looking for too Jen. Lots of love
Shirley Anne xxx
Thanks for the support Shirley Anne. Best- Jen
I think raising your children according to the Golden Rule IS your spirituality. Not to take anything away from organized religions and the people who are spiritual in that manner, but to me, God does not live in one particular religion. It is how we live our lives that we serve God and feed our spiritual selves. You could not convince me that a Jewish person who lives an unselfish life dedicated to the service of others would be welcomed by God!
Lindsey Petersen
http://5kidswdisabilities.wordpress.com
You are right 5Kids- our loving spirituality has been our religion. Although I am not looking for a church or a formalized way to “be” I would love a larger group of people to connect with that has a similar perspective. I guess it will work out the way it needs to. Isn’t that how everything works out? Best- Jen
Maybe you’re a Taoist? If I have a brief period of free time before or after something, I either find a cafe to sit and watch people with my cafe mocha or just walk around some quiet or busy place to look and see. Taoism (not a form of Buddhism, but a parallel religion which developed about the same time in China, it just didn’t spread as far), which I’ve studied and followed for over 30 years after reading Alan Watt’s book, “The Watercourse Way”, teaches you to look out at the world with an open mind, heart, spirit and soul. It teaches you God is already in you, your life is to discover that and live to the fullest as a good person.
Taoism teaches me to sit in the cafe and just observe and absorb as much as possible for the moment, to see from the smallest of tthings and events to the universal. No judgement, no quality about it, just be and open you senses and mind. To become aware of the parts, the whole and everything connecting them. You won’t see it all but in the observations you’ll discover yourself, and being open, you’ll find answers when you don’t or least expect them which both think and feel right. They just are, and were within you all along until the time was right to recongize them.
And the neat thing about it is that it has places of study and worship, but they’re not necessary, because it’s about life and the world. As the saying goes, “Stand in your own space and know you are there.” If you can do that and feel what’s around you, you’ll have a moment of insight. Something you’re doing with your children. Being a mother and guardian but watching and living them be and live who they are, and you see them in the whole of the world, one moment at a time.
Thanks for sharing.
I keep the Tao Te Ching on my desk. Is that the same thing as Taoism? I read the passages almost everyday and love the simplicity and the depth of each line. I’m going to check out the book you mentioned. Thanks! Jen
That’s the book. I’m not a consistent or dedicated follower of Tao, but more the framework and ideas of it, and more a way of simply being and existing. But sadly, not very good about it either, but that’s the point of it, just keep trying.
More so, I think it teaches me about acceptance. Not tolerance where you simply accept things or people but still hold some judgement or value. Not acceptance with a “but…” in your mind. Not acceptance that you which to change something or someone, which we can do when it’s appropriate. But acceptance of yourself to see the world and know it is what it is.
I like to call it, “We are who we are, and everything else just is.”, idea. Change comes from within and example comes from you, but not by wanting to show you’re good and not by trying to change people, but simply being humble with yourself.
What I also like is that while it has underlying principles, the rest is fluid and dynamic, the challenge not just to act from some absolute rules, but from your own sense of being to see, understand and know the way. The criticism of it that often this is vague and relative is the beauty of it. You have to learn and grow, not from some religious tenets or view, but from what is good and right for the situation or circumstances.
I remember one time in a public plaza during lunch when a transient person was walking down the sidewalk and in/out of the street, yelling and threatening people, even drivers, and throwing his shoes in the air or at cars. He was clearly trying to imitade people for reasons no one will ever know.
He came to the plaza and people began walking quickly away from him. Running out of people to harass he saw me just standing there watchig. He yelled at me, then began walking toward me yelling some more. When he got within a few feet of me he stopped and started to yell louder.
When there was a quiet moment I asked him one question, “What is your name?” He instantly grew quiet and puzzled. I asked it again, adding, “To talk with you I would like to know your name.” After some (short) time he put his shoes on and walked away quietly. The police had arrived and he simply gave in to them and got into the patrol car, no argument and no fight.
It occurred to me all he wanted was to be acknowledged. That’s all. Not hard, anyone could have done that and everything wouldn’t have happened. Someone needed to care about him, if only for a moment. The simple human need to connect.
And while people may have had some degree of judgement, maybe even sympathy for him, they all forgot the old adage, “For there but the grace of God go I.” and simply treat him as a person, only different because of life circumstance, but still not really that different from all of us.
Anyway, just some thoughts.
I love that story Scott. It makes me think of how angry we become when we lose our sense of self. Lose our place in the world. I like the Tao Te Ching because it makes me think of things differently and sheds light on the patterns of the past. Thank you for sharing that with me & keep your thoughts coming. They always intrigue me and leave me with thoughts for later. Have a great evening- Jen
I’m a Unitarian Universalist. It’s what speaks to me, more than any religion ever has. I love that we have an active LGBT population that really means LGB AND T. I love that my congregation has a little boy who regularly wears a skirt to church when he wants to and the only comment he ever gets is that he looks beautiful. It’s a pretty fabulous place.
What a great group you found Andy! Not that I am drawing parallels but have you ever seen Lars & The Real Girl? It portrayed this loving community that really embraced people for who they are. I always thought that was what I wanted to bring to the world- loving acceptance. Thanks for shining a light on faith & hope. Best- Jen