Tonight I jerked awake from a sound sleep as if someone shook me. After getting over my initial shock that it was only 1am, I tried to settle back into my dreamy slumber. Instead I played out a number of scenarios in my head where I could have made a different decision. This is a weird, hazy time for me where I contemplate why I bought a bar height table when the kids were little, why I discontinued a friendship with a particular person or why I left my last job? As I recount my failures and misgivings my head becomes less foggy and more alert as if there was a lesson in my early morning madness.

Struggling not to lose that warm, snuggly feeling that assures me that I WILL fall back asleep, I soothe my worried mind by telling myself that my choices brought me to this beautiful place in my life so they must have all been part of a larger destiny, a grand plan. Telling myself over and over again that I needn’t beat myself up did not make me any less sleepy. If anything, it made me more focused.

As I settled back in my bed, shifting into the “sure thing” sleeping position, I thought about the last scene in the movie Harold & Maude where that fantastic song by Cat Stevens plays in the background. Maude takes her sleeping pills, as planned and says goodbye on her birthday. Trouble, oh trouble set me free, I have seen your face and it’s too much for me today… Harold realizes what she has done and calls for help… I’m beat, I’m torn, Shattered and tossed and worn, too shocking to see, too shocking to see… Harold is faced with the truth and decides his next step… Trouble, oh trouble move from me, I have paid my debt so won’t you leave me in my misery… his black Jaguar flies off a cliff and he’s left standing.

I’m letting my burden sail just like that car speeding off the edge. Letting it go. Saying goodbye and dancing away.