Seeking Balance
So much of our lives this year was about Hope. Hope’s new clothes. Hope’s new bedroom. Hope’s feelings and thoughts and therapy during her gender transition and after. Don’t get me wrong, this is all big stuff. But I have another child. His name is Will.
Although Will is two years younger, he has incredible patience and empathy in this world. Like me, he wears his heart on his sleeve even though it seems an unlikely attribute upon a first meeting. He is this little man, husky voice and playful spirit. What strikes me most about Will is that his type of love is old school- loyal, courageous, selfless and gentle. This tiny person is an emotional giant. Still, he is four. It’s easy to forget that sometimes since he asks for very little and gives so much.
I struggle with finding balance in life, I guess in almost every respect, but with regards to my children I worry about it the most. Hope’s personality lands her in the spotlight on most occasions so what about Will? Does he get what he needs? Does he know how much he is loved? I lay awake some nights wondering if he secretly longs for center stage. As I drift to sleep then I remind myself to show them the love in my heart and everything will be fine.
“I am yours, you are mine. Mommy loves you porcupine.” I whisper the line from one of our favorite books and the corners of his mouth turn upward as he smirks. His smile lights up a room, this child. His laughter lifts your spirit. Despite his good nature, he can be mischevious in a delightful curious-bordering-naughty way and you have to laugh. From the very beginning my mom said, “Will is his own man.” And that he is. He knows what he wants and how he feels. Simple as that.
Ever since he was a small child he’s been content with less. Typical of a second child, he is flexible and adjusts to change with a certain casualness that astounds me. For a time when he was small, I worked out of the home. He took it in stride. We’ve moved several times and he sees the good in what we have, not what we lost. How lucky I am that he goes with the flow, right? When I sit back and think of how understanding he has been with Hope’s transition my tears start to fall effortlessly. My heart aches.
When Hope transitioned Will lost his brother, the person who he counted on to “show him the ropes” about growing up as a boy. It was easy to look to his big brother for all the answers about what to do and how to do it. Within the span of one day that brother vanished and he was left with a sister. Where did that history go? This person looked the same, but almost everything about them was different. New name. New appearance. New sibling. Looking back I realize that I could have done more to prepare Will for the transition. I could have spent more time talking about what it means to have a sister. That it’s not so different from a brother if you think about it. But the names are all changed. Our language changes. It’s hard to know what to expect. There is a whole world of coulda-woulda-shoulda, but it is all hindsight.
I’ll always remember him sitting in therapy, reticent to speak. After a few moments he told us he missed his brother. Hope leaned in close and said “I am the same person Will.” She told him she loved him while she stared straight into his eyes. That gesture was all it took for Will to make his own transition of thought. From that moment on he never made a mistake about Hope’s new name, gender or pronoun. Never. I think if he wasn’t allowed to talk about his feelings back then he would have been stuck in that space of loss, unable to quite put his finger on what to do to make it better.
Some people say it’s easier because Will is so young he won’t remember his brother, but I hope that isn’t true. Rather than wish for something to be lost forever I hope that there is a greater understanding of where we all are on this journey. We aren’t hiding here. Nothing has to be perfect.
I’m sitting here writing while watching them play together beside the Christmas tree and I am inspired by their capacity to love. I am motivated by their generosity and their grace. And I am forever blessed with my two angels who bring the harmony that was always missing in my life.
I don’t quite understand it, but I feel a great need to follow Hope’s (and Will’s) story. I’m so glad you shared how important Will remains in your life. I share about my family as much as possible because, as you so clearly stated here, when one person transitions, everyone transitions. Will seems to be he’s growing to become a hero of a man all on his own.
You are right Lori- Will is a great person. And I think you are too by the way. Thank you for being interested in our journey and lending your understanding & support. It means everything really. Best wishes- Jen
I too am a mother of a transgender child and know exactly how you feel. I also started a blogg mykennedysstory.blogspot.com I loved your post it really hits home. I have an older daughter and she has understood so much and has memories of when Kennedy still lokked like a girl. She dosnt remember kennedy as a girl because he never was like a girl haha. We can do a lot if we keep our head held high and do all we can for our little ones.
Thank you Candice & I will head straight to your blog. Please keep in touch and I will do the same. Best- Jen
wow that was so beautiful it made me cry a little i wish their were more mothers like you
Thanks Rubin. It made me cry too, in a good way. I know there are mothers like me all over. Soon I hope we can band together for the rights and safety of our children. I think that is just looming on the horizon. Best wishes to you and stay in touch- Jen
Balance is hard, probably too hard, because you never know from their perspective if you were balanced. I’ve always been struck with the idea to love them equally but don’t love them the same. Teach them that you will do that, each are loved for who they are and sometimes balance isn’t realistic, but it doesn’t change your love or that over time there it will be balance for them.
I say this as the third (last) child who was always the afterthought. My parents only wanted two and admitted later in life I was “extra” and was left to fend for myself. They frequently told me they balanced their love and attention to all three of us, but we (siblings) saw and knew it wasn’t.
The reality is that you won’t know until it’s over (years later). But as long as they see you love them, are there for them, and provide for them what they think they need (want is another issue), it will be fine. They shouldn’t have any problems seeing you love them and treat them for being themseles, and they have the balance they need and want.
In the end it’s simply being there, being aware, and being open (communications). They’ll tell you if it’s enough and balanced for them.
I love what you wrote Scott & it made me think. It will be years later to hear about Will’s reactions and feelings. He needs time to grow and develop his own sense of this history. For the past couple days I have noticed that he comes to me when he needs me rather than wanting me to come to him all the time. It’s like it’s on his own terms when it’s right for him. Still, I make sure to show my love and genuine interest in him every day. I try more than ever to show that I am always here for him. That safety and security is so important. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. My best- Jen
What a beautiful post. I think many families end up having one child who always or for a specific stage needs more attention and focus and the feelings and needs of the other child can get lost in it all. Thank you for the reminder to consider the other child’s feelings and for sharing your thoughts about how Will has been affected.
Hi Annie- Thank you. It’s comforting knowing that parents out there feel the same way. Sure, they might not be in the same situation, but in many ways it applies to families facing day-to-day issues too. One foot in front of the other- I keep reminding myself. Best- Jen
these children, Will and Hope, are truly blessed! Blessed to have not only themselves the wonderful and unique people they are, but also a family who loves and respects them individually as the people they ARE!
Cheryl- Thank you for your comment. I appreciate what you said because growing up I wasn’t allowed to just be myself. My father wanted me to be perfect 24/7. Ultimately that meant being who he wanted me to be. Decades after his death I realized I was still holding myself to his standards, not my own. If I can encourage my children to just be themselves, then I feel I will have done my job as a parent. Best wishes- Jen
How blessed your childdren are to have such a loving, understanding mother.
I sometimes wonder how my parents would have reacted had I not repressed my gender variance until years after they had passed.
Bright blessings.
Thank you Robyn. I am far from perfect but I think a lot about loving my children and teaching them to be good people. How can I do that? By being a better person myself. It’s my ultimate goal. My best- Jen
Hi Jen – Just recently started reading your blog, god bless you for all the love you are bringing to your children and your family. As a mother of an older 15 year old GID daughter (Jamie), I can relate to all the things you are going thru. It’s been a whirlwind for our family the last few years. As you state in your blog today, I am searching for the same balance with my family. Sometimes it is achieved, sometimes not, but I try to keep pluggin along, and do what’s best for all of my children. I also have a 14 year old boy at home, and a younger 11 year daughter, and also divorced. So it’s real hectic, as I know you know firsthand. My therapist has been encouraging me to start a blog, and you have inspired me to start putting my thoughts down. The following is a link to my new blog. I am technically challenged, so hope I did it correctly. http://dstevens11.wordpress.com/. God bless you and your family, keep up your positive energy, it help us all. Love – Dana
I can’t quite remember how I stumbled onto your site but I have been following it for a few months now. I was really happy to see you opened up comments on your posts (unless they were always allowed and I just didn’t realize!) so I could tell you what an amazing woman you are. My first child is only three months old and I can only hope I am as graceful, giving and understanding to my children towards whatever life puts in front of us. You are a fantastic role-model to us all!
Thank you Meg!! That made my day. We’ve been getting such wonderful feedback and comments from readers. I appreciate your kind thoughts & wish you the best with your new little one. Congratulations! Jen
Dana- Your site is great! Telling our stories is what it is all about. When people start to see that we are all just parents and that our kids are just kids, the perceived stigma of transgender will start to dissolve. If people hear our stories their hearts will open along with their minds. I believe this with every fiber of my being. Thank you for sharing it with us. And I will keep your blog on my radar.
Best- Jen
I stumbled across your blog after googling “I’m not calm, I’m panic in stealth,”. I’m not sure this blog is related to that at all but I’m thankful it linked me here. Your daughter is truly blessed to have such wonderful, supportive parents, and such a lovely little brother.
I wish you all the best, and keep on blogging! — J.D
I am so glad we connected JD. I hope you find what you are looking for & stay in touch. Best wishes- Jen
What a beautiful story you are sharing of your lives. It is brave and wonderful of you, and will help change the world for the better – the world our children will grow up in, and make their own.
With so much respect,
Namaste,
Lee
ps – do you know the picture book 10,000 dresses? It has a transgender boy-to-girl character and it’s lovely. Here’s a link:
http://www.leewind.org/2009/05/10000-dresses.html
Thanks Lee! We have the book 10,000 Dresses but we’re not fans really. I am not sure if you’d read the story but the child’s parents and brother basically say “Get out of here and leave me alone” when she shares she is actually a girl. The child turns to a stranger and goes into their house (without her parents approval). I strongly feel that this opens a child that is already quite vulnerable into the arms of a predator. When I read it to my kids they asked me why parents would ever be so mean to their kids. We had a long conversation. And then they asked why Bailey went into a stranger’s house. Long conversation again. This is one of the reasons I am writing a book and have already finished a children’s book that is being published. We need positive messages out there. No, not everyone understands but there ARE parents and siblings that support and love their children no matter what. We need those stories out there.
Thanks again for sharing & look forward to talking with you again- Jen
I have just returned from Washington DC and participating in NCTE’s Lobby day. The consistent message which we heard from senators and representatives was that they need to hear personal stories as to why the Employment Non-Discrimination Act, ENDA, is so important.
It would be a very powerful story if parents, all parents, would share their hopes and dreams for their children including those who my be trangendered.
Really true Cheryl. How do you see this information impacting change? How should people share their stories? Thanks, Jen