Split Personalities & Living Stealth
Who am I right now? What name do I respond to? What signature do I give as I sign off on an email?
Well, that depends on what email I am answering or who is calling on the phone. You see it’s not so easy when part of you lives stealth. Your life starts to divide in a weird way and some things fall on the “new” side like the new school the kids are attending, writing the book, doing gender advocacy work and some things fall on the “old” side like my past career, friends from the old school and my larger group of acquaintances before Hope’s transition. It might sound easy to reconcile both sides, but it is not.
Here’s the tricky part about stealth. Most everything that identified me before (Hope’s transition) identified me as a mom to 2 sons. I regularly said and wrote stories about “my boys” and I can’t erase that part of my history no matter how hard I try. It’s out there. Most of my career and my social groups have nothing to do with my child’s gender identity so it shouldn’t be an issue, right? Wrong. Constantly people ask how the “boys” are mentioning them by name as I cringe in my seat waiting for my panic attack to pass. Keep smiling Jen. What to say? In that moment I am left at a crossroads where in a split second I need to decide whether I address the situation honestly and discuss Hope’s transition or divert the subject never answering the question at all. I’ll be honest with you, this process still gives me the hives.
Living stealth means there are some people you tell and some you don’t. You need to decide quickly in most cases. And for me, that is a slippery slope. Who is the gossip? Who would take this information and use it against us? What if I tell someone from the “old” life and they interact with someone from my “new” life? What happens then? When should we just maintain our privacy? When is it appropriate? Who can I trust?
It’s like I have a foot in two worlds and they constantly intersect leaving me to trip and fumble as I move forward. At my support group for parents of transgender kids, I sometimes find myself so envious of the parents of older children. They can simply tell their friends about their child’s transition and move on. Take it or leave it style. If the other person has an issue, the parents can say “Talk to (my child) about it.” And there it is, a clean break, a new start. Their adult age children can fend for themselves, whereas, my little one cannot. She looks to me to make sense of this journey and sometimes I fear she finds me with my head inside the proverbial map trying to find my way.
I remind myself that it’s going to take time so I need to be patient and gentle with myself. I wish there was a guidebook so my mistakes wouldn’t threaten Hope’s safety and well being. That is all I care about. Not me or my itching, but her. I don’t want anything bad to happen to her and I struggle that this tiny little wish is completely beyond my control. Perhaps that is why I cling to this page and release the struggle. Half of me needs to get it out and the other half needs to prevent another parent from making the same mistakes I do. Still the two sides of me tug and pull like children wanting to go in two different directions.
There may not be a guidebook now, but I suspect you would be the ideal person to create one. Your path is one I believe other parents in your situation would want to follow and know as they travel behind you.
I call it trying to walk on the edge of a razor blade. I had assumed when I moved almost 500 miles from home that things would be much easier. And to a point they are. But like your situation at the coffee house I learned that even at this distance it was difficult. I was ” outed ” by an ex friend that ran into us at the mall here, yes 500 miles away. Luckily she did not say anything to Chris that day but she did decide to go back home and tell a few people and I think you know where that went. I am now ” that crazy lady that turned her boy into a girl ” back there. So be it. I can take it myself and Chris goes along clueless as to what happened.
At first it was horrible as friends I left behind there each e mailed me asking what had happened. And finally I gave up and let them know. Most chose to sever our friendships but a rare few didnt. Now i look back and I am glad it happened. At least here we are still stealth and back home well that is a place I wont return to. I guess in a way it is easier for me moving far away but the issues still came up.
All I can say is that as time goes on if you do find yourself being outed at some point protect the lil one and just take the hits yourself. I hope that never happens though. You nor Hope deserve that.
Thank you Jen- I really needed that inspiration today!
I can’t tell you Melissa how reassuring it is to know there are other parents out there facing the same fears and overcoming them. I love your analogy of walking on the edge of a razor blade. It pretty much sums up how comfortable you feel most of the time, but it does get better little by little. We all get stronger and more confident about who we are.
My best to you both,
Jen
I think your journey with Hope isn’t much different than an older person transistioning. The same issues and problems arise in their life about their present with respect to their past and future. The only difference is your taking care of two people, Hope and yourself, instead of someone taking care of their own life. Yours is clearly the hardest for now, and so much to be thanked for being a caring mother and mom, but in time yours, like Hope’s, will be easier as she grows up and is ever more comfortable in her life, and you’re safe to just be her mom, letting everyone else to decide for themselves. And it’s good you have a support group along with this blog to share. Thank you.
I never thought of that Scott. I never think of myself as being part of the process I guess. I have such admiration for people who are transitioning. It takes so much courage and strength to be exactly who you are. I don’t know many people in general who can be 100% themselves. It inspires me every day to be real (as hard as that is sometimes). Keep in touch & thank you for sharing that. Best- Jen