Tags
acceptance, balance, coping, family, fear, friends, future, gender identity, hiding, kids, love, self awareness, stealth, transgender, transition
Sometimes things are so normal that I run on autopilot. When I sent out invites to Hope’s birthday party I must have been in this type of blissful un-awareness because it took me three weeks to recognize that I had invited both our old friends and new friends from school. This was a problem.
Some of our old friends, while aware of the transition this summer, had not seen Hope yet. Neither had their kids. When they RSVP’d they had no idea that new friends would be in attendance at the party. How could they? Nevertheless the thought of an old friend making a mistake (like calling Hope by her previous name) in front of new school friends set my mind in a frenzy. What have I done?
Hope attends school stealth, which is to say that she does not define herself as transgender at school. She doesn’t define herself as anything other than a girl. No one outside of a select few school staff should know and absolutely no one should talk about the fact that Hope is transgender. It is an issue that is a private matter and one that we keep very confidential for her safety and well being. Considering this, any mistake that intimated her transgender status would be damaging to Hope. I could not believe I put the wheels of this train wreck into motion.
At once I contacted all of our old friends and explained my mistake. After apologizing profusely, I asked if we could have a separate private celebration together to work slowly through the difficulty of new names and pronouns. The fear wasn’t only for Hope, I explained, but for their family as well. Our friends love us and support us, we know that. Therefore, I couldn’t put them in the position of possibly outing her and owning that burden.
Imagine my surprise when one of the families I un-invited walked into the party. Stunned, I nearly gasped out loud. It is a rare occasion like this that I wished I had a better poker-face. I have none. Every emotion washes over my face as I am told with such dramatic, okay exaggerated, expression that I could have had a long career in silent movies. You get me. I blanked and then forced a smile. Don’t get me wrong, I love these friends. I just wondered what the hell they were doing at the party? I wished I could wake up from this little nightmare. What to say? Relax Jen, it’s all going to work out.
In the end it did work out. The kids played. Everyone enjoyed themselves without incident. Whew! It wasn’t until every last piece of party trash was picked up and I got into the car to head home that I exhaled. Just another hurdle in a long race. Just another learning experience that makes us understand more and learn to roll with the punches.
I am so glad everything worked out. I can’t imagine what it must have been like to be pretty much holding your breath for an entire party.
You weren’t thinking about it when you invited people because when you are IN a situation, you don’t think about things like that. You stepped back, though and caught what could have been an issue (which, thankfully, wasn’t).
I’m glad Hope had a nice party. I think as time goes on, maybe there will be more times you can enjoy these situations, as well.
you do what you can and believe me when I say, you’re a really great mum.
Thank you Ms. Darkstar… you are right. Every step teaches us something and i we remain open to learning we don’t have to make the same mistakes over & over. She had a lovely party and I am thrilled that it all worked out.
I really needed to hear that Bluntpencil- and I appreciate that. I’m not perfect. I get impatient, I do things I wish I hadn’t… but that is parenting I guess. I just keep trying. I am grateful for the kind words.
Best- Jen
Each day an adventure. U am so glad to hear things worked out for you. And you had only the best of intentions so dont beat yourself up over it! I planned Chris’s transition down to every detail or so I thought. We had done everything in baby steps where everyone knew her as a boy. her hair growing out, progressively more feminine clothes just not TOO feminine and then the day came when we moved and we went stealth and out came the dresses and bangs and long curls and we knew that no one would ever know that my doll baby had been born male!
Or so I thought.After a year and a half of a perfect situation it all came to a halt in the mall one day. Chris and I were shopping and I hear a voice call out to me and there 400 miles from my former home stood my ex neighbor and her daughter. And her is Chris, yellow dress, painted nails and pigtails. Eek! Well that was the most uncomfortable few minutes of my life. Her daughter just walked up and asked how come Chris is a girl. And Chris say because I AM a girl! And that was that. They did fine. Her mom had a stroke though. Thankfully she has chosen not to be friends anymore but at least she did not ” out ” us back home!
I have come to the conclusion that no matter how hard you plan you will run into issues. Just do the best you can and always in the best interest of your girl. We are truly lucky to have our children.
Hey there friends, what a pleasure it is to find such a strong group of allies in support of human rights and freedom of expression. The transgendered life certainly does separate the sheep from the Momma Bear who protects her cub at all cost.
I am a 58 year old post-op male to female [Two-Spirits] transexual with a lot to say about the societal oppression of human and gender rights, the judgment of the church, an apathetic government and a corporate media unresponsive to the needs of the transgendered community.
Whoops, sorry. I DO get fiery.
Thanks for doing a difficult job with courage and compassion.
April ‘Rosie’ Schneider
Thank you April. I think we need to get fiery sometimes to create opportunities for change. I appreciate your support. My Best- Jen
There was a story recently in ythe UK, a young transgender child had decided to return back to school as her true self rather than the boy she left as. Her school did an awful thing, they held an assembly and just told the whole school, outed her to all bluntly. the poor child was victimised, put on the frontpage of papers, every journalist believed they had a right to comment despite not having any experience of the matter, her mother was equally villified for supporting her transition and praised.
I wish they had read your blog, understood the childs srtength and agony in making this decision. It’s nearly 2010, isn’t it time our minds finally opened?
Jo- I wish that the year 2010 will be different, but as we know it’s going to take a little time. The understanding is beginning out there but we need more stories to be told. We need more voices and advocates. Things are slowly changing and hopefully we are doing our part to make this a more loving world for everyone.
I am shocked by the story you related from the UK. Schools are tricky. I had to hire the ACLU to help me work with the school system (along with TYFA & another organization that supports safe schools) and it is still a work in progress. Our story is different since Hope goes to school stealth; however, I can only imagine the permanent damage that child suffered because of that type of harassment. You would think educators would have a better handle on how to promote the safety and well being of their students. Our hearts DO need to open, as well as our minds.
Thank you for tuning me in to that story & keep in touch. Best- Jen