Tags
acceptance, balance, coping, family, fear, friends, gender identity, gender variance, grief, hiding, sadness, self awareness, stealth, transgender
I took a leap of faith when an acquaintance asked me to meet and talk about my daughter. Normally I would have put it off or simply said I was busy. It’s hard for me to just sit down face-to-face and discuss such emotional aspects of my life with someone I don’t know well. I feel much more comfortable writing. Nevertheless, I agreed, hoping that by reaching out I could get used to the feeling of being exposed.
Imagine my fear when I started talking and the person just sat and listened. Blank expression. Nothing. When I stopped my long-winded soliloquy, I simply stopped and waited. And then… nothing. Eyes just looking at me. Nothingness. Not even the notion that the wheels were turning. Nothing. I rambled on a little bit. The fingers of my right hand tightly grasping the small hairs at the nape of my neck. The other person just sat taller and waited. Is this a game?
I was visibly uncomfortable. This one-sided lecture did not resemble the social guidelines of a conversation so I didn’t know how to end it. Walk away, when actually I’d prefer to run at this point. All I could think was to express loving kindness and be done with it. It was a sweaty blur at that point so I fumbled through a closing statement. What just happened?
When I got back to the condo I started crying, frustrated with the entire endeavor. Why did I make the decision to meet that person? And then I recalled the conversation I had with my mother yesterday. “You have to understand… people can’t relate.” she instructed me about the distance people keep because they can’t grasp the idea of transgender, herself included, “You need to give people a break.” I felt like a burden was added to my already heavy load.
Lately I feel like I’m an elephant on a tightrope juggling switchblades. Each step I take is precisely calculated. With each move I wonder if this is the day that it all falls apart? There is so much planning that goes into being a parent of a transgender child living stealth. So much to lose. Some days I’m frozen, unable to make a single move. Impossible to step backward and unwilling to move forward, paralyzed by the fear that one wrong move could sacrifice all of our efforts.
Today I begin to wonder what my safety net looks like and how far it is below me.
As I read your posts I so often wish I could be close to be a part of that web of safety right below you. Thanks for the courage it took to talk to this person. I’m so sorry it was painful and turned into soliloquy as opposed to dialogue. Know that somewhere, I know you are creating dialogue.
With thanks.
I feel the safety net when I go back and read the emails & comments from people who support us here. I don’t want to ever forget that. Thank you.
Maybe in some small way the person I spoke with today will open their heart and mind.
Let me start by saying I think you are brave and amazing…and I think Hope is brave and amazing.
To my knowledge, I did not know any people (at least not personally) who were transgendered until maybe one year ago or so. My boyfriend began to play in a band with a man who was born a woman, but transitioned to male somewhere around 30 years ago or more?? I didn’t know he was born a woman until I had known him for a few weeks and I would never have been able to guess. Simply knowing him, and knowing this fact about him, has changed my viewpoint about transgendered people. I suppose I didn’t know what to think before…and now I feel as though my understanding has multiplied by 1000 percent. He is, quite literally, one of the most amazing people I know. He is full of boundless energy that expresses itself in kindness, encouragement and amazing positivity. He did not have parents who were supportive or understanding the way that you are…so I can only imagine that Hope is going to become an amazing adult. She will know what it was like to have parents who surrounded her with strength, love, acceptance, understanding & protection from the very beginning. I hope that this acquaintance of yours doesn’t shut out any of what you told them – I hope, as you said, that they will open their heart and their mind and come to a better understanding of humanity.
I cannot understand why an acquaintance would initiate such a meeting. Voyeurism? There for the grace of God go I-ism? What she did was cruel and unnecessary. I’m so sorry you had to go through that.
You know, I read this earlier and then reread it this evening. The one thing that came to mind is when I met someone who became a coworker and whom I know consider a friend. When I first came out to him and stuttered through my conversation watching as his empty gaze told me he didn’t get, I wanted to get up and make a run for it. Instead, I sat silently and waited for his response. He thought it through and told me something like this:
“You know, I can sympathize with what you’re going through, but I just can’t empathize with this. I have absolutely no parallel to this and can’t possibly imagine what it must be like to have a different gender identity than your body tells you you ought to have. But I really do FEEL that you hurt and have come through enormous pain to choose this path to finally be yourself. I can’t empathize, but I can sympathize. I GET that.”
Hold on tight. You’re in my thoughts. I’m learning what it means to be a trans parent who has kids who love their Maddie unashamedly. Your child will love you for allowing them to be who they are too.
Lindsey- It feels like we can really overcome any obstacle if we can talk with someone who either has been through it or knows about it intimately. Being friends with someone transgender was an eye opening experience for you and me too. I feel like my heart has opened to so many people and parents. Who am I to judge anyone? I think it comes down to loving people. In the end we all have something that we struggle with. Everyone. Thank you for that perspective.
Thanks for your support Jen. I’m more mindful now when people make us a show or gossip. I’m more aware.
I’m so glad you friend acknowledged you and your child Lori- that is wonderful. Believe it or not, the person sent em an email yesterday that was full of support and love. Maybe they were in shock? Maybe they didn’t have the words available to them until they sat back and thought about it for a while. I love your comment because it shows that support can come in many different ways. Thank you for sharing it.
Best to you all- Jen
It must be so frustrating to be so immersed in this experience, in this whole other world, and have to then keep interacting with people who just have no idea, and having to explain yourself and your daughter over and over again.
You are opening doors and minds, though. I had never before thought about what it must be like to have a transgender child. At the same time, my sister, who is an avid pro-women’s rights fighter, is discovering this whole other world of transgender and what it means to be a trans woman and a trans man, and trying to get open conversations going about their issues.
It’s slow-going, I know, and we’re slow to catch up. But you’re helping bring progress and awareness. As someone who was utterly oblivious not that long ago, I thank you for that.
Thanks Marcy-It makes me so happy that I can share our story to make transgender less a mystery and more of just what is. Being a mom of a TG child it has opened my eyes to accepting people for who they are and to not be so critical/ judgmental of parents and people in general. Parenting is a hard job and one that deserves a lot more support. I’m grateful for your support.
Best- Jen