“When did she have the surgery?” she inquired, as simply as if she had asked for the ketchup while we sat at dinner. I would love to say I choked on my spring roll or at least hesitated when this zinger came across the table and smacked me in the face, but that’s not the truth.

I’ve heard this question (or those like it) so many times that although my head snapped to the side upon impact of the verbal blow, it returned right back to the center without a change in expression. You know, like when the hero tries to right cross the robot dressed in human skin. Pow! The difference for me is that the right cross still hurts. I am just a little more used to the pain than I was when the transition began.

I admit, it is a creepy feeling when people ask me if I have surgically manipulated my daughter’s genitals. It feels obvious that children do not get sex reassignment surgery and that their “transition” is a social one where they live as their true identity albeit in the same body as before. But I’m finding out is that it is obvious for me because I live it every day and have learned about it for the past 2 years.

I read whatever there is out there about transgender kids and have started reading about adults. I went to Seattle to meet Stephanie Brill and attend the Gender Spectrum conference to expand my knowledge. And I read and reread Stephanie’s book The Transgender Child like I would the most coveted of resource materials. I seek parents and transgender people who are willing to connect, talk and share their stories. So it’s clear to me what the steps are for a social transition of a child, but it’s as clear as mud for people on the outside.

My sister gasped when I told her about the question on the phone. “People actually think parents do that?”, she said. “Uh, yeah…”, I replied without having anything to say next. It is strange to me to think that people who hear that my daughter transitioned her gender may go to that extreme. But what do they know about hormone blockers, pediatric endocrinologists and delaying the start of puberty? I’ve started qualifying that it is a social transition to clarify, but it still produces a deer-in-the-headlights expression. Just like saying your 6-year-old is transgender I guess.

I don’t blame people. They don’t know. The gal who asked me literally has a heart of gold and admits that she just can’t wrap her head around my transgender child. And I accept that. I’d rather know the truth than have someone smile and nod to my face and then walk away with a scowl. This general confusion is the impetus for me writing the book about our family. This mystery behind what really happens when a child transitions their gender.

Then maybe the next parent of a TG child won’t get “the look” when they explain to the doctor’s secretary that your daughter is a girl despite the file that reflects a boy’s name and gender marker. And the secretary won’t say “Does she have a twin? Why does this say she is a boy?” really loud, making your daughter hide behind your back so no one in the office sees her cry in pain. Maybe together we can increase awareness and sensitivity- just one story at a time.