Clear As Mud
“When did she have the surgery?” she inquired, as simply as if she had asked for the ketchup while we sat at dinner. I would love to say I choked on my spring roll or at least hesitated when this zinger came across the table and smacked me in the face, but that’s not the truth.
I’ve heard this question (or those like it) so many times that although my head snapped to the side upon impact of the verbal blow, it returned right back to the center without a change in expression. You know, like when the hero tries to right cross the robot dressed in human skin. Pow! The difference for me is that the right cross still hurts. I am just a little more used to the pain than I was when the transition began.
I admit, it is a creepy feeling when people ask me if I have surgically manipulated my daughter’s genitals. It feels obvious that children do not get sex reassignment surgery and that their “transition” is a social one where they live as their true identity albeit in the same body as before. But I’m finding out is that it is obvious for me because I live it every day and have learned about it for the past 2 years.
I read whatever there is out there about transgender kids and have started reading about adults. I went to Seattle to meet Stephanie Brill and attend the Gender Spectrum conference to expand my knowledge. And I read and reread Stephanie’s book The Transgender Child like I would the most coveted of resource materials. I seek parents and transgender people who are willing to connect, talk and share their stories. So it’s clear to me what the steps are for a social transition of a child, but it’s as clear as mud for people on the outside.
My sister gasped when I told her about the question on the phone. “People actually think parents do that?”, she said. “Uh, yeah…”, I replied without having anything to say next. It is strange to me to think that people who hear that my daughter transitioned her gender may go to that extreme. But what do they know about hormone blockers, pediatric endocrinologists and delaying the start of puberty? I’ve started qualifying that it is a social transition to clarify, but it still produces a deer-in-the-headlights expression. Just like saying your 6-year-old is transgender I guess.
I don’t blame people. They don’t know. The gal who asked me literally has a heart of gold and admits that she just can’t wrap her head around my transgender child. And I accept that. I’d rather know the truth than have someone smile and nod to my face and then walk away with a scowl. This general confusion is the impetus for me writing the book about our family. This mystery behind what really happens when a child transitions their gender.
Then maybe the next parent of a TG child won’t get “the look” when they explain to the doctor’s secretary that your daughter is a girl despite the file that reflects a boy’s name and gender marker. And the secretary won’t say “Does she have a twin? Why does this say she is a boy?” really loud, making your daughter hide behind your back so no one in the office sees her cry in pain. Maybe together we can increase awareness and sensitivity- just one story at a time.
Hello Jen,
I don’t remember how I ran across your blog, but I’ve been following you for a while now. Your and Hope’s story is so beautiful to me. It never occurred to me that people went through such transitions and were so very aware so early in life…Hope’s journey is so eye-opening to me. I hope your book works out, as I would love to read it when it comes. And I hope more than anything that your journey would lead to a wonderful happiness that is more than you can imagine at this point.
hi Jen
tried to send you an email but maybe your account is full. it was returned.
I think you know already about the documentary tonight on British television.
can you maybe show another email address.
show it perhaps as: abcde at xyz dot com in that way the spammers cannot “harvest” your email address.
Thank you Elizabeth! Writing a book of our stories is so close to my heart. Every so often I go to a LGBT friendly bookstore here in the city and look for books that would help me, my family, and my daughter. They are so few and far between.
My hope is that by sharing our story people will be more inclined to accept their child for exactly who they are- transgender or not.
And thank you Dravina for letting me know about the email address. I switched it and tested it so it should be functional once again. I appreciate you letting me know.
Jen,
Stumbled onto your blog while looking at all things transgender. thanks for sharing your thoughts. I am at the same place you are, and it helps to know I’m not alone. I was in Seattle and remember you from some of the sessions. I didn’t go to the Chronicling Your Story” session because I have never been one to keep a journal, but have since started. Having a transgender child is such a roller coaster.
Hi Jen
As a mother of a little girl born i a male body,
I just want you to know that you are not alone.
You are a wonderful mom taking your child seriously like this.
Letting our children living as themself, are lifesaving.
Or at least life-quality-saving.
Wish you and your child all the best !!! You hang in there !
Your daughter is in the best of hands. Being a foreigner,
with limited english-knowledge, I have not read all text in your blog,
so I don`t really know if she lives as a girl in socity allready ?
Hope things work out for you !!!
As someone who has never personally had much contact with transgendered people, I know so little about it. It is a rare occurrence, but also there are so many barriers for those with experience to share it – from the fear of being judged or hated, to the vulnerability that comes with sharing intimate details of your personal life.
I think your blog is a great resource – not just for connecting with other people who share similar experiences – but for educating the broader public.
You say “But what do they know about hormone blockers, pediatric endocrinologists and delaying the start of puberty?” which is very true, I know nothing of these things. I would love to hear more about clinical treatments and what you and your daughter plan or consider for the future.
Thank you for courageously sharing your story, and for giving your daughter your unfettered support.
I wish I could have met you in Seattle Karen. Maybe we’ll cross paths again next year? It feels so good to know that you know where I am coming from. We are not alone. Hugs to you- Jen
Hi Kristin- Yes, Hope transitioned this summer and lives 24/7 as a girl. Thank you for being so supportive and sharing your story too. You are right… allowing a child to express exactly who they are is lifesaving. The stats for suicides of transgender youth is staggering. Loving them for they are saves their life literally. My deepest gratitude for your comments! Best- Jen
Thanks Piglet for bringing to mind the topic of puberty and hormone blockers. I will definitely write some more about what a transgender child does when they get older. You are right. People do not know what that looks like. I am glad I can be that resource. And very proud actually. Keep sharing your thoughts. Best- Jen
Hi again Jen
It`s nice to hear that your Hope is living the life she feels right for her.
The world is moving forward, luckily.
Our daughter is now 10,5 y. She transitioned when she had just turned 7, before she started 2nd grade.
She is most accepted in school, and society – she has even got
a new passport and birth-certificate in her new female-name.
This means a lot to her, and to us parents.
She is under medical care of the national GID-clinic,
and will start on hormone-blockers when needed
(before she loses her fair voice etc).
I wish you all the best for christmas and future !
hugs Kristin
Hi Kristin- Wow! A new birth certificate? That is unheard of where we live. You need to have SRS before your birth cert is changed. I am so happy for her! And for you. You are a wonderful parent and an inspiration for me. Best- Jen
I also find her comment surprising. However, considering that many, many doctors and parents still think it’s OK to surgically alter an intersex infant’s genitals I guess it’s not all that shocking that people would assume parents of trans kids would do the same.