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acceptance, clothes, costumes, family, friends, gender identity, gender variance, Halloween, Hermione, joy, kids, love, memories, self awareness, self expression, transgender, transition, wig
Two years ago she told us that she felt like a girl inside. When it happened I was taken back. What did that mean? Did someone hurt her? Was someone filling her head with these ideas? I knew she had a close friend in preschool with a powerful personality and an extremely girlie-girl demeanor. Hope even confided that the girl asked her to wear girl’s clothes. (Now that doesn’t happen every day?!) Perhaps Hope is trying out how it feels to be a girl. Maybe she identifies with this little girl and wants to please her. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe.
From the very first time she confided in me that about feeling like a girl in a boy’s body, I embraced her. “Having a boy’s body doesn’t mean you can’t feel like a girl inside. Be who you are.” I would tell her again and again. Even though my husband and I embraced how she felt, nothing changed from an outsider’s perspective. She He was okay with wearing boys clothes. At home though, he’d knot these thin blankets together to make “hair” and wear long shirts and call them dresses. He was fine with the male pronoun, but often asked to be called by a girl’s name. At first it was Stephanie, then Hermione and then a couple others. His brother mainly called him the alternate names when they played. We never denied playing as a girl but we didn’t make any changes really for more than a year. Throughout that time, we always encouraged him to talk about his feelings and reminded him that we love him no matter what. Mostly it was the same… “I’m a girl inside.”
About a year after his declaration, he was drawing his self portrait as a girl. Living still fully as a boy, but with a girl’s self portrait, the changes drew attention from the private preschool my children attended. Thankfully we explained how we were handling his feelings and they supported us. But our friends and (some) family were very open minded and didn’t give a thought to a boy acting like a girl. (Some family wore blinders and chose to overlook “certain” behaviors.) “Going through a phase” was what I heard a lot. We, too, wondered when exploration turned to something more concrete. My husband and I agreed that we’d let him decide if and when that happened.
Slowly more girls clothes crept into the wardrobe. A shirt with pink trim became a staple. Some unisex (but more feminine looking) pants became instant favorites. She pleaded for pink sandals. All the time we talked about colors being for everyone. That there was no “boy colors” and “girl colors”, but that didn’t stop her from getting a dress when she wanted. Who was I to say that she couldn’t dress up and feel good about herself? At this point there was only “dressing up” at home.
In her heart this was the first opportunity to try on a girl’s clothes and a girl’s life. It was like she was Cinderella when she got home and could finally transform into everything she wished to be. By the time Halloween came around, she was thrilled to trick-or-treat as Harry Potter’s best friend, Hermione. More than acting like her favorite character, I think she did it to get the wig. At that point, things became crystal clear.
Your experience is a typical one, darling. Most of us had a similar behaviour as kids, and even though it is easier to “spot” such different (or rather unexpected) behaviour when the “boy” wants to wear dresses, asks for pink things and/or plays with dolls or other girl’s toys, the fact remains the same. The girl is INSIDE, therefore it is just as common for a “boy” to act, play and dress as any other boy……..in public, meaning even his/her parents. I know cause I was one of those kids. Perhaps it is not so common nowadays, for there is a lot more info about sexual identity, sexual orientation and more. But, still, there are many many times when a kid feeling this way fears the rejection it could cause to “show” his/her true feelings. If your daughter is able to show them, even only at home, you can feel secure that she is not afraid of you, as parents, friends and confidents. She trusts you, and so should you. The term “through a phase” is, indeed, pretty usual in these cases. But, hey, it is also used a lot when talking about teenagers as well. A phase could be an infatuation with some toy or other, but, believe me, not with your self-being. To me, in my own experience, that “phase” is the one in which we want to fit in, to be like any other boy (or girl, if it’s the other way round…), to act tough or, at least, the least conspicous you can. That “phase”, the one in which I tried to kid myself I could impose the feeling of being male to my own REAL feelings, endured more than three decades. I became aware of my true-self aged 4, but I couldn0t accept it until….34. I finally came to accept myself and the fact that these feelings (of being female) weren’t going away at all. Now, aged 38, my life is better than ever. I don’t feel any regrets and all those fears went away. The woman I am now is the one it should have been from the beginning. MY beginning was at 34…….please let your daughter have it (if she feels happy with it) as soon as possible. Don’t let her lead a miserable life. She’ll thank you in the future. Please feel free to share your thoughts with me. Best regards from Argentina, Adriana
Thank you for your thoughts & sharing parts of your life with us Adriana. My daughter actually transitioned three years ago so she is already living her life authentically, and is much happier for it.
Great insight. Reevlied I’m on the same side as you.