Unlocking the Doors To My Past
Near my bed I keep a worn metal bookmark a friend gave me years ago that says “Nothing is so strong as gentleness and nothing is so gentle as real strength.” Ralph W. Sockman. Every so often I look at it and peace swells within me.
During a life changing reiki session yesterday I learned that I was drawing strength from the wrong places, the places of fear. I wasn’t being courageous, I was reacting to the panic of imagining the worst possible outcome. From there I raised my fists ready to fight and lived defensively while the days stretched into weeks and then months. And here I am. Tired and sore from being on the lookout… for what I am not sure.
As I search my heart I think about what it means to be in hiding. Years ago I hid my feelings away and trapped myself in a type of shame that left me powerless. On the outside I felt that everyone was trying to crack the code, find my secret and expose me. It was an “us against them” type of scenario and I had to stay on top of things. What pressure for a young girl. My paranoia inspired me to lock as many doors between me and other people as possible.
As I settle into my skin years later I search for the keys in hopes of opening myself back up. Now I see so many parallels between my past and Hope attending school. I tell myself that I am not shoving the same type of secrets down her throat that rested in mine for over 20 years, but I still struggle sometimes. I’m not taking her away from her life, telling her to hide or teaching her about shame. I’m celebrating my daughter for who she is just the way she is. Doesn’t everyone deserve some level of privacy in their life without feeling that you have to answer to the world for who you are or where you come from?
Released from the burden of worry, my clarity is overwhelming and powerful. And my heart feels bursting with love. How did I move so far from this place? More than ever I feel my hope for the future radiate through me and spill from my fingertips as I write. Beaming yellow light burning brightly as a new day begins with gratitude and I open another door.
Hi Jen, tried sending this via email but somehow it kept bouncing back.
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You don’t know me but I’ve been following your blog for a few weeks now. I can’t even remember how I stumbled upon your blog but I did. And as I started reading, my heart went out to you, and to Hope.
I think you’re incredibly brave and more than anything, you’re the epitome of unconditional love. You’ve really shown that it is possible for a mother’s love to be unconditional. I almost find myself envying Hope because she has a mother who doesn’t care what the rest of the world thinks.
I’m lesbian and out to everyone (my friends, at work, etc) except my parents. I sometimes find myself quite hypocritical because fundamentally, I believe in GLBT rights and the need to stand up for ourselves – I work at an accounting firm in Australia (but I’m not an accountant, LOL) and am one of the founding members of the GLBT network, often trying to push the envelope where GLBT rights are concerned – yet, I’m not out to the most important people in my life. And truth be told, I don’t think I will ever be. As an Asian lesbian whose parents live in Singapore and are staunchly Christian, I just don’t know how I will ever broach the topic of my sexuality.
But anyway, this email is not about me. It’s about you, and how much I admire you and your determination to make Hope’s world a safe place for her. I know that my ‘struggles’ (and I use that term very loosely because I honestly don’t think I’m under any duress with the exception of my annual visit to Singapore when I go back into the closet over the Christmas holidays) are nothing compared to yours and Hope’s. But you know what? I think she already has half the battle won. The people she needs most and loves her most are already on her side.
Kudos to you Jen. Sending positive vibes your way as Hope starts a new term in school.
My heart goes out to you at The BluntPencil… although my circumstances are a little different, I can relate to having a parent that does not agree with your choices. My mom told me that I am ruining Hope’s life by embracing who she is. I think some parents live in a place of fear- fear of the unknown, fear of people’s reactions to them, fear of being different.
I am trying to remember that (as adults) our parents and family are one facet of our lives (and it sounds like you have a very fulfilling life
and they are going to be who they are no matter what choices we make. Still, I wish that going home didn’t mean hiding who you are.
Your support gives me the courage to tell another story and embrace another day- whatever that brings. I appreciate that you reached out here & feel so inspired by your comments. Truly- thank you.