Tags
acceptance, coping, gender identity, gender variance, joy, loss, love, self awareness, transgender, transition
I am continually amazed at my daughter’s grace under pressure. Her courage is tested daily as she moves through the world not quite looking the way she wants. You see, her hair hasn’t grown out yet and it bothers her.
When she talks about her appearance it sounds like longer hair is the final hurdle to being fully accepted as a girl. No more double takes from her to me (a woman with hair shorter than many men) and then back to her. No more bows slipping out from her pixie. Even if it isn’t true- no more worrying.
I can’t claim to know (or understand) what people are thinking and we’ve had moms comment that they wished their daughters cut their hair in the summer the way my daughter has. Then you see my little girl beam like she’s won Little Miss America. My eyes tear with joy.
In those moments I give myself a moment to breathe. Daily I struggle with the fact that I am the one who cut her shaggy hair when school let out. I am the one who didn’t think twice about it. It’s like slow motion when I think back to it. “Should I use the 4 clippers or the 3?” she asked. “You might as well use 3… we cut the boys hair short in the summer.”
In my dreams I reach out and grab the clippers hurdling them far off into the distance. I gently remove my daughter from the stylist’s chair and cuddle her stroking that beautiful hair. All that hair she misses now. Why did it happen this way?
If I am really honest I need to ask myself why I didn’t grasp that the transition was sooner rather than later. Or did I just not want to see it. Was that what I was holding on to? Everyone talks about how wonderful I am for embracing my daughter so fully, but the truth is I had my share of denial along the way. I’m not perfect.
Now I see my momentary resistance to the truth in that haircut every day. I see my failures reflected in her tears as she tugs on those pretty strands wishing that it would just grow out overnight. And I wish the same thing too. But life doesn’t happen that way, does it? The hair actually grows slower when you watch it… this I am sure.
Your daughter is going to go through so much opposition throughout her life. I’m so impressed by the way you embrace it, the way you protect her, but even more than that, I’m impressed at the way that *both* of you grow and learn from struggles like this.
The way I see it, that hair cut needed to happen. I think it’s a great example of how strong both you and your daughter are, and how her appearance, no matter how detailed, doesn’t make her who she is. SHE does that. And you support her in it.
Bravo.
Jennifer Nicole
TheDemoiselles.com
(I don’t use that WordPress account
You are right. The haircut probably needed to happen so that we came to the place that we are. I have to think that things happen for a reason and it is all divinely right. Thank you for your thoughts and encouragement.
Well I am late to comment since I just came across your blog but I am sure things happened the way they did for a reason. When my now ex cut my daughters hair short when she was 3 1/2 and I saw how upset it made her and how sad she was that was the tipping point for me. I only wish now I had the spine to have stopped it but I didn’t. A year later I was divorced, broke and living with my sis but we are happier than ever and my daughter was finally able to be who she is and we have not looked back! Long hair really does seem to be key in Chris’s identity. I remember to the day the first time she could wear ponytails. It seems so long ago now but in her eyes she told me that was the day she really became a girl.
Good luck mom and have fun with it all. It is not a burden it is a joy to be celebrated!
Don’t be so hard on yourself for taking some time to mentally transition. You are in a rare and complex situation that would take time for anyone to fully grasp. Hair length is not so important in the large scheme of things – your support, love and encouragement do so much more for your daughter than long hair does.
Hi MelissaNC- Be gentle with yourself. #1 it’s never too late to comment & #2 don’t look back with sadness about Chris’s hair. Look at the courageous changes you made to keep her safe and happy. You know the joy of these small successes our kids have. It is a pure joy, you are right.
Thanks Piglet for being so understanding. Life is a series of steps and changes. I’ve become accustomed to saying “one step at a time” and it works for me.
Best to you both- Jen