As I try to explain my daughter’s gender transition, I admire people who admit they have big questions about what it all means. “It’s part of LGBT, right?” one person sheepishly asked as if they really didn’t want to offend. “Kind of…” my voice trickled off as I searched for words. Yes, the word Transgender is a part of LGBT- Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender; however, transgender is not tied to sexual orientation like the other three so right now it feels totally different to me.
The fact that my daughter is a natal male that identifies as a girl does not tell us what her sexual orientation will be years down the line. It’s hard to relate that her transgender status does not have a sexual element at all. It has everything to do with how she sees herself in the world. As a girl.
While I read The Transgender Child, I notice the emphasis we place on gender from the very start of a baby’s life. Colors, names,toys, expectations… they all change with that age-old proclamation “It’s a ____ !” But does that help children? Does it matter or is it just a habit? And by that, I mean a habit that I had ingrained in me for a very long time. Until now.
Now I just catch myself when I am doing something very overt and I rethink where I am with that. Is what I am doing purposeful? Like when I shop for my daughter’s headbands… do I just go for the really frilly and only pink to strongly identify her as a girl or do I pick the colors she likes, the style she likes? (Truly I take her with me- she’s picky! And she has a different taste level than me. I’m more of a Burberry-meets-Paul Frank and she is Betsey Johnson-meets-Juicy Couture!)
When transgender stories are told, especially for those as young as my daughter, they have the power to open a new dialogue and demystify what transgender truly means. Maybe then it will be easier to explain how the T relates to the LGBT community.
I feel it only relates to the LGBT community in that people who fall into one of these L G B or T are all out or the cultural range of the typical male or female. that is the common thread and that is where it ends.
Just my opinion. This isn’t to say that their isn’t a bond or level of acceptance but in all truth a gay man going is through something completely different culturally and socially then a lesbian… and they both are worlds away from my experience as transgender.
Jen, flip the definition on it’s head to see why the confusion exists.
As in organic chemistry, trans means cross or “not aligned”. Any aspect of a person that does not match some arbitrary social definition of one’s gender is to some degree ‘trans’ to that gender expectation. Dressing as the other gender, needing the body of the other gender and being attracted to the sex that the other gender prefers: these are all ‘trans’ to the expected attributes of one’s assigned gender. Yeah, this assumes that the binary fairy really exists, but so does the average person asking the questions!
You will find yourself getting really good at your Gender-101 presentation and saying things like,
“Look at it as three independent aspects of a person; Internal gender identity, External body sex and Social presentation like gender role & social appearance”.
The LGB label applied to someone is based on all three (“I identify as a (wo)man, I have a (fe)male body and I am attracted to (wo)men”). It describes an attribute much higher than gender identity.
My wife and I totally understand the internal questioning regarding clothing & hair adornments as we see the same with our daughter. If it helps, we let her be herself within limits. We aren’t really big on girly-girl dress and decorations in our household. Correction: We weren’t until she came along. Now it’s pink and purple Mermaids, Fairies and Snails…everywhere!
At 3-5 years old the average kid goes through a stage of development that culminates in their sense of Self and that includes gender. That is why our kids first try to “come out” to us at that age. Kids mostly tend to be binary for a while, but once they reach 6-8, they start relaxing their gender presentation a bit until puberty. Look around school; older average girls wear more greens and blues, the boys wear more reds and yellows. You will see the same pattern with your daughter in a couple years, so don’t worry about her standing out or being “too boyish” when she suddenly decides to start wearing blue and green. She sounds like a wonderful, normal little girl.
More suggested reading: The Riddle of Gender, by Deborah Rudacille
(sorry for the long comment!)
Hi,
First let me say that you are an amazing parent who is not only nurturing and saving your child’s spirit, but you are most likely also saving their life… or at least the quality of their life.
I am the Executive Director of a non-profit organization that works exclusively with families like yours and although we are located in the Portland, Oregon area, we provide support to families far and wide.
Please visit our website: http://www.transactiveonline.org for more information and/or please contact me directly if there is anything we can do to assist you or your wonderful daughter.
I look forward to hearing from you, and know that neither you, your child or your family are alone.
Yours in Support,
Jenn Burleton
Executive Director
TransActive Education & Advocacy
503-927-7052
jenn@transactiveonline.org
Thank you Sara & Katherine- I can see where you are coming from.
And thank you Jenn for putting me in touch with your organization! I truly appreciate the support & connection. It means everything to me.
Best- Jen
I found you via Surrender, Dorothy. In her BlogHer post about you and transgendered children, she asked if anyone had other resources you could try. I have a couple.
Have you looked at T-Vox (http://t-vox.org/)? They have a wiki with lots of information on transgender issues, and a forum for discussion. The forum is divided into sections for transgendered people (and others with gender differences), family and friends, and a section for both. (Unfortunately, the family and friends section is pretty inactive. At least, it was the last time I looked.)
There are also communities on LiveJournal. One in particular that I recommend is the Transgender community (http://community.livejournal.com/transgender/profile). A lot of the people who belong to it are transgendered adults or teens, but there are parents of transgendered children, too, and most of the people are just very helpful in general.
Good luck.