My Son, Hermione
From October 28, 2008
As soon as Halloween was mentioned, my oldest son wanted to be Cinderella.
Now to get you up to speed, my 4 year old was calling himself Stephanie earlier in the year and choosing pink girls shoes at the beginning of summer. I thought we came to a strong breakthrough when he shared that a classmate was asking him to wear girls clothes. Is this where all of the girl stuff is coming from?
Gently I explained that a friend who cares for you doesn’t ask you to be someone who you are not. God gave him a boy body. “But I love her Mom. ” he pleaded with me. The bizarre discussion continued. He said he thought he was a girl inside. Okay.
Trying to make sense of his confusion, I chose my words carefully. “Sometimes when we are growing up, we feel all kinds of ways. Even if you are a boy on the outside, you could feel like a girl or a boy inside sometimes and that is okay. As time goes on only you will know how you feel.”
So for the rest of the summer, we didn’t see that classmate who went to a different school in the fall. My son stopped asking for pink clothes and shoes. Oh well. Kids go through all kinds of phases. I tried to calm my old school mom who was getting an ulcer thinking about society’s reactions to a boy in a princess outfit.
Imagine when Jack shared that he found a Harry Potter costume at Second Child. She was thrilled “Oh! How wonderful!”. “Yes”, he added, “I am going to be Hermione!” You could hear palpable angst on the silent line.
Sure, he is asking for a fuzzy wig (Hermione does have unruly hair doesn’t she?) but I am not that bothered over it. I am not embarrassed. And most importantly I am not ashamed. He is my son and I choose to love him unconditionally. What that means to me (not that I expect this to be true for every person) is that I accept him exactly as he is.
Tomorrow my son turns 5. Why would I spend the hours, days and years of his life asking him to be something he is not. I am so proud of the person he is- smart, loving, gentle, funny and happy. All I could hope for is that he realizes all of his dreams in the most genuine way and uses his true voice to share his journey.
No one else can make him a girl. Not me. Not a friend. Not a costume. Only he can be true to himself- whatever that means.
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